Raw

My nerves are raw! Oh my goodness it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders today. I’ve been doing so well why on why does this have to strike me now.

This..crap…I’m talking about is my bipolar boulder.

Throughout my childhood I always felt so different…well what I can remember of it anyways. I never felt like I belonged but I didn’t feel like I needed to the so hard. It didn’t really matter to me if someone liked me or not I had my imagination and that breathed a world where everyone found value in me. That was my escape and no one could take away what they didn’t know existed.

I was the typical troubled teen of the 90s trying my hand at situations that I was hope would leave me feeling ,fulfilled. Of course it didn’t it left me even more empty at a vunerable age. I didn’t really like to talk about what bothered me instead I would project and try to help other people with their issues until that left me feeling like I was being taken for granted. Thus ending many friendships that when I look at now may have been valuable to my walk if only I opened my eyes.

As I developed into my adult years the roller coaster of emotions had consumed me. That’s when I became very aware of my self mutilation but still believed I possessed control. No one knew the hell I was experiencing and now I say of course they didn’t know you’re hell…that’s why it is your hell and not theirs.

The emotions became so strong but very pattern able. I would experience what I felt like we’re a number of normal days but then slowly I would become more excitable, talk more and just become and all around extrovert. I would usually get a few days out of that feeling until I hit what is called mania, This is actually a very fun stage for me because I make people laugh and they seem so fulfilled by my words. The best part of it is the creativity that comes along with the mania stage. Y’all I think I am Bob the Builder when I have mania. I’m known to do home improvements in the middle of the night, trim bushes at 1am, create cool piece of art, graphic design like a mad woman with the energy and sense of strength that rivals supermN. Man how I love maniA it is that top of the roller coaster right before you make the decent on this wild ride.

But just like every roller coaster you have to go downhill in order to provoke a reaction. Going down hill now that’s where the 1doubt, the fear, the insecurities kick in. Honestly I feel like I am on display for the whole world to judge and judgement is all I see. Of course after going slowly down that decent of the roller coaster your stomach drops and your heart races but you end at the same ramp you started. It’s a cycle…a pattern…a loop.

So today as I am very raw with my emotions and literally my nerves feel like a fully juiced battery is Sparking constant electrical conductivity . I am doing my very best to fight through this becaUse I need change to believe there is power revealing. ThaNks for taking the time to understand a moment in my life. Until next time remember that depression is not an end; it’s the beginning to a whole new awareness.