This is going to be a hard one, the face your worst fears kinda moment but it is something I have to do..for God, for me and for the family I am fighting for.
Hi my name is Shari and I am codependent….
In my codependent mind I can her all the laughters of everyone ever around me saying she’s just now discovering this!?
I have known for a long time and secretly I was trying very hard to work on it myself but as we all know that wasn’t the way to go about it at all. I should have been enveloping myself in a community that was aware and overcoming which is exactly where I am aligning myself now.
I have always had that personality well basically the personality of someone with bipolar disorder, I was all over the place and I was using the diagnosis As a crutch so I could say I had no responsibility in the matter. When in reality I actually had all the control from both a biblical and scientific standpoint.
I guess the secretive approach at least got the ball of recovery or rather the notion rolling through my head.
As far back as I could remember I felt invisible, with absolutely no merit. Trying to measure up to a expectation that I had already declared I could never meet. I spent so much of my life trying to be different, trying to break a mold. I didn’t want to be classified like another statistic but in reality all I was doing was actually promoting that very hypothesis.
I had toxic relationships all my life in one aspect or another until God slipped a little miracle through my door. It was the relaTionship I had prayed my whole life for and it was beautiful in my eyes. I fell into a rut of comfort and relied 100%/100% of the time on my partner to make me happy. When I decided to shut down he was ok with that because he so desperately wanted relief for me so the cycle continued.
It hasn’t always been like this with us we started organic, nourished but hungry when flourishing. We came together and renewed our hearts in God again we even got to stand side by side and be baptized new in Christ again that’s how appointed we knew we were. We were a powerhouse for the lord in our prime…..then life happened
The mundane of being dragged down by everyday obstaCles got waY too much for me and basically I checked out mentally a couple years ago. One thing that remained constant throughout the time was how much love for my little family was growing. It was showing me the areas I needed to work so I could overcome and come back to life with them.
So for now I have to learn again what is it like to get to know myself. My family has given me something to live for but I have to put the sweat in to get back..correction..make new in Christ.