The Unmentionable

Today I am going to attempt to write about something that quite honestly has itself been a source of fear for me for my entire life.  Something that has crept in and taken root to define my every move, my every thought. I will continue to stay honest and tell you that even the fear of calling this unrequited emotion would typically make me tremble with anxiety but not today.  

Today I am calling out FEAR! Fear is something that controls mostly all of us.  Many are used to taking matters in our own hands and producing what we think is the right outcome, and it never is.  We end up in a pit of darkness that controls our mind, our body and our will.

When you break down fear first and foremost we will see the power behind this become diminishing. Fear itself is simply the worry of what is to come.  Not just worry but angst, painful physically and extremely debilitating will. Why is this emotion so strong well just look at the word..it’s a four letter word. We have all been taught about those four letter words they are nasty, they are despairing, they are consuming. It is like a never ending slithering snake that entwined our very being until our very being seeps raw fear.

It may be easy to break it down but if you are not ready to face this demon then be prepared for your struggles to continue and any progress is all in vain.

Fear has taken such a hold on my life that it changed who I was and what I believed. I gave it power to determine the course of my days and nights while still priding myself on the strength I had to endure.  Now that is so contradictory how can I have control when something has control over me..hmmm

I was the person like many others that retreated to the comforts of isolation where I thought I couldn’t be touched.  If i took myself out of the equation of mankind then I couldn’t be touched, right? WRONG!

I would isolate myself and the world went on without me. People prospered, people lived with ups and downs but still kept working towards tomorrow.  So are those people controlled by fear because they experience hurt, loss and sorrow? Absolutely NOT! Those people that are living in the real world see things for what they are, simply a temporary set back or an excessive victory. They are able to move past all the hurt and the darkness to find the light in all situations.  This is not to say that people who are very high functioning do not have fear, our society makes sure that fear is implanted in the very core of our being. From dramatic news events to the mundane of everyday life, we are being programmed to an emotion that will make or break us.

Now to show what I think today. I have been through some of the biggest fears of my life lately, the kind that would typically break me…but I’m not broken! I was forced to either live for today and plant to seeds of righteous or slander away in basic self pity.  

If I am going to learn anything from these fears I had to take tomorrow out of the picture and live for today.  When I started living for today I realized a switch inside of me being flipped. The anxiety, the overwhelming anxiety, that riddled my life with pain is suddenly gone.  I don’t have to wake up wondering myself what kind of mood I was going to be in. In fact the mood swings have become less and less prevalent. There is something that is taking the place of this fear and it is a fight to find myself.  

I am discovering that me at my best potential is still loving still kind but has very pronounced boundaries.  With fear we become people pleasers to the extent that we will put on a mask so the world can’t see to help us through our issues.  What good does that do?

I will speak from first hand experience because it is me going through this journey making the discoveries of who I am and what my why is all about.  I still have a deep love and devotion to the family God has given to me whether by blood or by bond. Still feeling this strong connection lets me know that God is on my side working to restore all that was broken.

Over the duration of this trial from my brothers death to personal issues I have found hope.  I know that is so easy to say without justification but i do have justification. I am being shown through the rustle of the leaves, the splendor of nature, the unity in family that I am being healed as we speak.  I feel like I have a direct connection with my maker and I am finally listening to his advice. I am living and loving for today not tomorrow.

Tomorrow doesn’t seem so bleak when you look at it in a positive sense. Waking up each day to discover the new perspective I have on life.  Don’t get me wrong when something has been instilled in us since birth will never be fully gone and quite honestly I wouldn’t want it to. See fear drives us away but reaching out pulls us back in.  We need community! God gave us people to help comfort us in a very tangible way.

There is one form of fear I refuse to lose and that is the fear of the Lord. This is a very different kind of fear.  It is not the kind we are automatically accustomed to, no it is a revering fear. This type of fear is out of the splendor of our majesty. It is not a condemning fear but rather an inviting come into my presence kind of fear. A sense of Knowing that I will never be as righteous as my creator but still have the ambition and desire to be protected and loved by the omnipotent one. Understanding that he is the shelter in the storm, the light in the darkness, I find great comfort and peace. No I don’t look at this fear like a bolt of lightning to crash down on me at any moment. My God does not condemn us to a life of loneliness and heartache, exactly the opposite.  This all consuming love is exactly what are hearts are designed to be addicted to.

I understand that everyone has a different journey but if you think about it we are all on the same journey just a different story.  I don’t expect my story to go down in the history books, but who knows I’m still a work in progress. Despite what rings fear in your heart I am here to tell you that we are all equipped to find peace during tragedy.

The first step to any recovery is to admit that there is a problem and to understand that now the real work begins. If you are ready to close your eyes to the world and open your heart to God you will understand that the fear he wants for us is only for his glory.  Taking each day as it comes and remember to seek out a community that is supportive and loving. But be prepared because the right people will not fill you with cliches like you are used to. At times it will be so brutal that your eyes will swell from tears. Here is the glorious part, that pain you feel during your journey is ammunition, a fuel that ignites a flame of hope. Are you ready to take your journey or are you going to continue to pretend you have control over fear until your very existence is gone?

I am always here as a support system but understand that with my journey I have established some very hard boundaries. I will not attempt to fix you or preset laced words of generic comfort. No, I Will be the person you can utilize as a resource to help direct you where you need to go. I am equipped to love and listen but not to hum drum.  I AM A FIGHTER for the glory and I can help you to remember that you are a perfect child of God.

Much love to you all