There is no secret that I have been through some of the biggest turmoil of my life. The loss that has occurred seems to continuously be mounting and the control I once thought I had has been thrown out the window. The pain of all this loss has forced me to make a decision. Do I fight for what I believe is right or do I falter at the weight of the world?
When you experience so much loss your mind becomes a battlefield. Trying to understand where so many things have went wrong, searching for the answers to the unfairness of the world. I have been what I feel like is exiled. Never hearing true words just silence. See there has been a couple times in my adult Christian life that flawed people like myself have struck wounds so deep then hide behind the God who loves me to no end was used to say that I was not right and things have changed. The first time this happened it crushed me and made me wonder so much about myself and my belief. I was devastated because everything that I have ever loved about my sovereign protector was questioned. But I continued to seek God first to bring me through that trial and indeed he did.
The interesting thing about this proclamation is the people who were also hurt by challenging the feelings that God has for me. Then some time later I was dealt an even more devastating blow when the person I made so many promises too said almost the identical same thing. Boom! There went another blow that this time I knew better than to question whether my God would cast me out like meer humans do to one another.
So I decided to dig even deeper to find the truth in the words of humans. Low and behold there was some truth in the words that were professed to me that have caused so much heartache. God didn’t want those people around the person I had become. I had become so full of doubt and fear that I projected my angers and insecurities onto other people. My mood swings had become out of control and I would lash out often. Talk about unfair! The people who once loved me and promised devotion through thick and thin had had enough of the monster I had become. I wasn’t the loving caring person with a drive for life that I once had. No, I was complacent and lazy.
Though I may have never actually said the words “I’m unhappy with…” I just made the complaints about myself which in itself was a direct reflection of my surroundings. Again talk about unfair to people who are doing their very best to love me regardless. Just like any human a person can only take so much negativity before they break. I totally get that, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but I get it now.
Fast forward to my time here in Ohio while dealing with a broken heart to only have it broke again and lies rearing more from the drug addiction death of my brother. So much for a person to take, especially all alone. But I’m not alone! This is what I am discovering on a daily basis.
In this time of weakness I have been digging in so deep to find comfort in my king and boy is he showing me so much of who I was and who I am to be. He has shown me that everything my heart belongs to can be gone in the blink of an eye if that is what it takes for me to realize my worth towards the kingdom. I am seeing that who I had become, a weak and frail specimen, was not my ultimate goal. I see that I did get a chance to taste the sweetness of family and parenting but I didn’t maintain the proper way. I didn’t let God guide my path, I became subject to worldly desires and not those that are sustainable.
I have a very strong will and anyone that knows me will agree without a shadow of a doubt. That strong will is a good and a bad thing. The good part is I don’t give up easy, the bad part..I don’t give up easy. I know I said the exact same thing but if you think about it there are traits in yourself that I am sure you can find a blessing and a curse. When you have a strong will it will take an equally strong reaction to set a new plan in motion. The plan of redemption can’t come into play unless you seek the redeemer.
I understand that it took losing everything I ever wanted to even put the perspective of how much I actually wanted that something. This isn’t my will in a bad sense but rather a blessing. God is renewing my sense of love to portions that I only dreamed possible. The love for the once little family I had continues to grow stronger each day. It is not a desperate love but rather a filling love. I also understand that I have no control on how others feel but I do know that God is working to make my life brand new.
I have the genuine second chance I have always needed to find me and to be healed. That is exactly what is happening. I am being set free from the constraints of my own mind. I am replacing the chattering voices of rejection with the solitude voice of God that says I am enough. I am listening so carefully to the instruction through every avenue to become whole for the long run. I see now that if I want a chance at my family that I will have to work at it, always.
Saying that I am at my weakest right now would be a complete fallacy. By saying that I am at my strongest would be accurate. I am not fighting a physical fight but rather working on a spiritual victory. I know that God works his best when I am human weak and spirit strong.
For today I will continue to seek the person who is equipped for the marathon not the race.