The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. Questioning the why and the when sent me into such a spiral that I reverted back to my old ways. I was crying out in anger which is a direct result of my insecurities and I was getting nowhere except the dark place.
During this journey it has been especially hard having to leave my family in a state that I wasn’t there to attempt to control and being forced to make a decision me and my desires or God and his. This was not a decision that I was even aware I had but thanks to the time I am spending with God and the support system HE knew would be the most productive for me I feel like I am reaching more and more epiphanies. I do have a choice..the choice is to fight for what God has shown me he wants for me or give into the darkness.
The one place I can definitely give myself props is for the ability to reach out when it got to dark. See when it becomes dark to me my mind tries to go to that fight or flight which deems an immediate answer. Basically I was telling God you do it my way in my time or else. Seriously…I was challenging the all mighty one and we all know how that ends. Say hello to the loser of that match.
What God has allowed me to do what to be in a place where the ones I hold dear have the ability to point out to me the reality of the situation and not the misconstrued ideas of my mind.
I talked before of having a support system that at times could be so brutal that my eyes would swell with tears and that is exactly what is happening. I am being shown that despite my sprinting efforts I am still flawed and in desperate need of healing. I am being shown that in those moments of weakness I am taking into consideration what I have learned or who to lean on, no I was messing it all up…because I am human.
With all my control issues, not so much in controlling others but rather situations, I am finding that this very old habit dies hard. Yes control is a habit a form of improper coping. Wondering and worrying, being too tender, spiraling out of control when things don’t meet my standards are all signs of control. I am hearing the voice of the spirit telling me to slow down it is not a sprint it is a marathon.
I know I have heard this recently but the sense of hearing that over and over again in times of despair is definitely the Holy Spirit reminding me to listen. The only way I can listen is to slow down.
Yesterday while I was getting ready to go to church with my cousin I decided to listen to some music, nothing abnormal. But this time I was scrolling through the songs I had listened to on YouTube when a message from one of my favorite pastors popped up in my feed. This was not a sermon I had listened to but the draw was so strong I knew the spirit was telling me to listen..so I did.
The message was from Steve Furtnick and it was titled “It Had To Happen”…I was blown away. See this message was exactly that God talking to me and telling me that maybe the situations I am caught up in was not his way but he is allowing it. God knows how desperately I want to get better so I can return to the piece of bliss he allowed me to see..my family.
The more I listened the more it was becoming clear, my spirit was aligning with my will and the real fight was on. The fight for MY soul, the fight for MY well being, My fight to become whole. I was finally listening and it was making sense. But this didn’t stop the pain just kinda planted a seed for perspective to creep in. Perspective is exactly what I need.
When I continued to defy God yesterday and went to that dark place I did hear the Holy Spirit enough to listen when I was told to reach out for tangible help. Reach out to who I knew would be brutally honest in the times when I couldn’t think straight. So needless to say I spent the day with my bestie and her family, or rather another anointed family God gave me.
In this time of reaction she was quickly able to gauge the situation and it reverted back to my control. I wasn’t letting the process of grieving so much loss and healing take place for the long run. How do I know she was the right person to talk to, well she is how I like to refer to as the extension of me that can think rational when I am anything but that.
She talked with me in a manner that she knew I would relate while at the same time allowing herself to listen to the words from her mouth for her own fight. She helped me to see that no one especially God is giving up on me he is simply giving us time to work on ourselves so we can again become that force to be reckoned with. She quickly pointed out that yes what I am going through is overwhelming but I am professing to put my trust in God so I needed to do exactly that…TRUST. Not only did she tell me her guided words but also knew what it would take that is tangible to help to calm the here and now. So like she does and well like I do she stepped into action knowing that I find such comfort in animals. But this task was going to take something with a big spirit to work against my big spirit. Boy oh boy did she hit the nail on the head when she surprised me with taking me to a horse farm. Horses oh horses with big energy what exactly what my heart longed for. This was one of the most amazing God sent gifts I have ever received. Suddenly I was feeling more like myself able to calming engage while God used the animals love to show me unconditional love.
So much understanding poured over me but the remembrance of her words about patterns she noticed in me was ringing so loudly but not in a fearful way. It was more of a I got this kind of way. She she pointed out to me in a safe space why I needed to slow down and go easy on myself. I wasn’t in control and I needed to realize that.
Lots of tears poured out over the last few days but the end result was HOPE.
I found HOPE in the midst of controversy.
So this morning when I woke again I was reminded of the sense of renewal I was given until I get this right. I will continue to press on relying 100% on God. I know that if my family was not what God wanted for me he would change my desires. Instead of taking those desires away he is amplifying my love for them as a spur to keep moving in the right direction…the direction of surrender and healinG.
I know that God does not want to restore the fear ridden family I once had, no he wants to make us new, make us right and make us ready for the marathon of life.
To my family I will keep pushing forward to be the best I can be and when the time is right God is going to privy us to the present and future that HE has laid out for us.
I love you and will keep working to get better while you work on your course with God. When the time is right my little family will be big, strong and God approved.