Today I write through even more grief. The grief that keeps piling up. Yesterday started off as such a glorious day giving my master all the glory. The morning brought about such hope such joy when I was able to lead my best friend to the lord. It wa so amazing to see the surrender and the love, I was so full..then disaster struck.
See the whole reason I was back to Ohio before my brother’s death was because my relationship of 5 years had been challenged.
We had a good relationship in the beginning with all kinds of hopes and dreams then other factors came into play. The major factor would be complacency. We became caught in the everyday making plans for the future when we both realized that we were relying on one another or rather relying on what might be instead of what is.
On a Sunday morning my ex came to me to profess all these emotions of discord that was never mentioned to me in the aspect of things not feeling right. He told me that we just didn’t make sense anymore and he had to finally step up and basically try to become an independent man and I or rather my mental issues were too much for him to take. Of course throughout the years I knew I was declining in my mental health but I was working wholeheartedly with God to repair the damage that the enemy made but it was too late. He spoke his disgust with me and we ultimately decided to take some time and work on ourselves but still be together.
Fast forward to about a week into my stay when my brother passed. I noticed during this time this man who once promised me the world became a distant shadow not even being Godly to offer support. He was focused on himself and shutting me out in the process. Time passed but he reached out on his time and once again gave me the idea that all was well. Actually not just the idea but words. I noticed those words were all about him and nothing to do with us. I knew the inevitable was coming but I was working so hard hand and hand with the lord that I still found hope and trust that this relationship was worth everything. After all, this was a family that God had united and it was an answer to the prayers of completion I had prayed for so many times. I trusted the process thinking we were being healed. Boy was I wrong in the sense of healing or mending our relationship.
Yesterday afternoon while living in the glory I got a phone call that changed my entire life course…more grief. See he called me to ask me a question but I noticed the tone was not a tone of his own but rather words from a “friend” orchestrating his lack of feeling. In the midst of this phone call I was abruptly told that we were not meant for each other and he was finished with me. His actual words were “I am finished and this is not up for debate”. I was beside myself, 5 years of love and devotion was out the window because he was ready to move on. Now of course the first thing that comes to mind the human mind is someone else. Then I got to thinking if that is the case then someone else can live with the empty expectations that I had come accustomed to. The false hope of allowing humans predicate my emotions saying week after week “in a couple of days we will be able to do this or that” but those days never came. His struggle to be a man was just as much a fight for him as me finding myself was to me. So i eventually stopped caring if there was someone else because boy was she in for a rude awakening if she was after a man of God. Yes I will say that some of the writing comes from depths of pain and grief unimaginable but there is also clarity to see things for what they really were…empty hope.
I am beside myself with grief as the family I was assured was mine was taken from me in the blink of an eye. All the security was gone all the hope felt gone everything was gone.
The grief with everything that has happened now on top a man breaking my heart unable to fulfill the promises to love And cherish me were gone too. But the one thing I did do in the middle of the tears was continue to reach to God and found the words that came so automatic of “I trust you Jesus.” All the work I had been doing on myself to get better for me was becoming a habit just as I wanted.
I continued to dig into the words the lord was saying to me to find comfort in the midst of this treacherous storm. I am human and I make mistakes but I am also a christian that doesn’t use God as a crutch but rather my center.
So now I am stuck back in Ohio with nothing because I had gotten rid of most stuff to help financially maintain throughout the years to finally start to see that the way things were was in fact not what God wanted for me. He made me to be secure in him and that would produce security in my surroundings. I needed to learn to submit my control to the control of his will. And apparently his will was for this relationship to end so there was more focus on us as individuals. I am shattered that my family gave up on me when I would have waited to the ends of the earth for them, but now the fight is much different.
The fight I was projected into was a fight for my own survival, my own well being. See God is lining me up for security but security in him. He is making me strong but strong for his glory. The tests become more And more obvious but so does the disciplining. See I was trying hard for me so I could fall in a certain line with a family that wasn’t mine. While all the time God was using me over and over here in Ohio. This may not be the place I want to be but this is sure the place God needs me to be right now. I am effective for his glory and I will continue to do that until he brings the right man into my life. I know when I am healed and used by him that he will send me someone that will actually loves me unconditionally and not just go through the motions. I will have my family and we will be united in God. Yes I believe that God often shows us tid bits of our future to spur on our current. Maybe this family was not for me but one day in his timing there will be a Godly family who will accept me for who I am now and we will be a powerhouse.
For today I am going through the hurtful motions of a human. But I’m far from any meer human. I am a fighter that now knows I want to be better so I can receive and love all that God has to offer.