Yesterday I didn’t write well mostly because it was my birthday. WooooWhoo I’m officially 39 years young.
Usually my birthday has marked a time of reminders of great disappointments in my life from unmet expectations to well honestly more unmet expectations. Now there were about 4 years worth of birthdays that I got to see what love despite money was really like. It was a type of celebration that often extended more than 1 day. But in the end it revolved back around to more unmet expectations and grief beyond imagine.
Throughout this adventure (yes I’m officially deeming it an adventure not a journey) I have been looking to God for the source of my strength. Instead of trying to understand and figure things out myself I am relying on him to reveal what he wants of me when he wants it for me.
This year for my birthday when things are worldly horrible, I decided I was going to celebrate me instead of curse me. Don’t get me wrong there were a lot of tears shed but there were also shifts in perspective that surpassed any expectation. I finally got to experience time with family and friends who have been so desperately trying to show me my worth. I was encouraged from 12am the start of birthday wishes and extensions of love. I honestly had no idea that I had impacted so many people and they loved me. It was such a glorious feeling to finally being able to define what some self worth feels like. I ended my evening with a spectacular homemade T Bone dinner with a family that is a gift from God.
During my visit with dinner so many things started clicking in my head when words started to sputter out of my mouth. Again like another light switch being turned on. I was finally in tune with the will of God. From the realization of me being utilized as a tool, to help others to avoid my destructive path, to simple comfort of enjoying presence.
It didn’t take me long to think past myself and understand the greater glory that was actually at work here. I was understanding that it isn’t just my problems and prayers that needed work on…there were others. This walk is my walk not the walk of another. I was too much of a fixer in the past that if this hadn’t happened God couldn’t effectively work through those I love the most.
So for my birthday not only did I get to experience celebration of my existence I also got the understanding that this is all what I had been praying for to the T. My prayers were literally God heal me once and for all! God use me as your tool to help others not feel like me! God I surrender! For my birthday I got the best gift of all…living in the present with answered prayers.