Wow oh wow I am alive this morning and bursting with inspiration. I am actually surprising myself and I’m guessing will continue to do so during this time of writing.
I got up and was doing my “new” normal routine..a healthy one..with God first. I was attempting to pull my daily blog into focus when booooooom that focus shifted in the blink of an eye.
I was ready to speak only of continued revelations that happened yesterday when I walked into the kitchen to see my mom breaking down. I stood there for a second to see if God was calling me to intervene and indeed he was. So I began asking my mom what was wrong and she told me about a dream of my late brother she had.
I listened very carefully allowing her to intricately dictate very specific features of the dream as well as pay attention to her body language during the recall. I could hear the depths of pain and guilt that are riddling her mind body and soul. She is harboring what I would imagine well honestly to an extent what I feel when a mother loses a child. There honestly has to be devastation with no words to apply to this matter that would ever do justice. In the way that I can best describe it is a part of you has literally died. Along with death there is so much guilt that proves our “fixer” button is broken. This is a human vise that roots to some delusion image that we have complete control.
After listening to her I could feel the Holy Spirit running through my body using me as a vessel for his Glory. I spoke up to point out the feelings she was holding onto and not dismiss them but rather check them and their power. I want her to know that she and my dad genuinely did everything they could to help my brother get better but ultimately the decision wasn’t theirs. My brother had a rebel heart and conforming was never a strong suite. And we know God will never take away our free will.
It wasn’t up to my parents to fulfill their parenting responsibility in the eyes of God then turn around and do it all over again but with a grown adult with choices. No, that was the decision of the darkness my brother lived in.
Shortly after respectfully and with deep love I explained that how they feel is not a bad thing it is an opportunity to come closer to God, to submit to him. I did my very best to explain the same situation with myself of grieving so much loss and how when I stopped putting time tables and expectations things began to shift. When I allowed myself to be proud of what I had accomplished I felt satisfied. I was able to display in my words and my actions the sweet release of surrender.
I could see the light going on in my moms eyes at the same time I could feel the gentle understanding from my dad. It was so important that we were all reminded that we need to lean on each other during this time, not depend but lean. This is an individualized adventure full of priorities and wisdom, respect and perspective, peace and growth. Finally the waters calmed when the Lord was done speaking.
After this sense of peace and understanding swept over I went outside to honor and refuel the word of the Lord. When I was standing there looking at the trees in amazement and reverence I heard my final thoughts from the Lord that was simply the most poetic thing I have ever thought. So for today I will leave you with these profound words that I feel I should share…..”You forget I made the trees”