For so many years of my life I have been plagued with insomnia. I would lie awake for nights on end, watching the time tick by as I spent time alone in my own head. I would find myself sleeping the days away wishing for night to fall because that was when my energy spiked, I was productive. However throughout those years I also noticed something besides the constant invite to darkness..I was breeding more darkness.
I thought oh I thought I understood my mind and all I simply needed to do was dive in and analyze the thoughts in my head and somehow I would figure it out. Yes go ahead and laugh because I honestly thought I had control. Boy was I wrong.
With new eyes I see things totally different…I see blessings everywhere that I would have never noticed in the dark of night.
When I came back to Ohio I knew this was not going to be easy especially with the mental issues that had inhabited my head. I was instantly worried about how to fill my hours instead of realizing my hours were already planned for me. I didn’t need to try so hard, I needed to trust.
The correlation between trust and submission are basically one in the same. Think about a simple trust fall. You have to depend upon someone else or trust them to catch you when you blindly fall. When you finally fall it is because your own will has submitted to trust. When you finally fall back and realize there was someone there to catch you the whole time, the worry now switches to adrenaline. The adrenaline is a byproduct of trying something new and having a positive result. The fall becomes becomes fun and a fear was overcome because the answer to the outcome was already predetermined, provided and protected.
I am finally making the connection in my submission to trust in a great plan. My eyes are being opened to see the glory, seek the glory and spread the glory. This is my do over! It is all registering as to what the entire problem was…my own stubborn will. See I know in my heart that my steps are all accounted for but I didn’t have trust in not only myself but more importantly in God.
With all these revelations and submission I am allowing God to use me as a tool. Whether by my words, my presence or simply my energy, he is using me.
As I allow myself to submit more and more I am finding a glorious world of joy. I am realizing that there is no reason to worry because I can overcome my fears and find pleasure in the adventure of this journey.
When I gave up my own fight my body and mind followed suite. Are you ready for this? Turns out I am a morning person after all. I revel in the quiet time with God so that my plans are aligned with his. In these morning hours I fall so deeply in love with all the splendor that was created for me, because I am enough. I no longer feel a need to track the time of the day because I would rather experience the glory of a mystery revealed.
I will continue to do this trust fall over and over because the view from the top is amazing but nothing in comparison to the trust of knowing I am being caught each and every time.