Vices

Good morning from a cool and crisp Ohio fall day. The leaves are changing at such a rapid rate, I sometimes wonder where life has gone. However when I spend more and more time with my creator I realize time is not of of the essence.  There is no space or time that can separate the love God is giving me and the work he is doing in me.

Throughout most of my life I have struggled with so much depression.  The consuming nag of never being enough or never producing enough. Having feelings like this has done nothing but send me into a further pit of despair.  The best way I have ever been able to explain the depth of the pain was to compare it to the levels of hell like Dante’s Inferno. Consuming is the word I have been looking for.  This despair sent me into such a spiral that I was creating a safe haven that was only temporary.

As the feelings I had intensified I found more and more ways to ‘Cope” or rather bury.  From things like medication to diving into others problems attempting to fix what was not mine to fix. Once I was able to function through these difficulties I felt recharged until that time had passed. Then I would once again start the cycle all over while bruting in my own misery.

I like many others turned to pharmaceuticals to help.  Talking with my doctor and being on top of what the latest and greatest medication to solve the problems of the mind when actually it was all problems of the heart. I dove into a team of professionals to answer questions they couldn’t possibly have the answer too, which left me feeling alienated because there was no cure. I found myself trying so many different things and honestly some of them did the job for a short while but once the effects wore off I was very aware of how human and how flawed I really was. I wanted answers so I could expedite the healing process forgetting that it is actually a process.

Fast forward many years after trying this route because my mind is so based in the scientific world. Wondering how I am going to accomplish this and that while I try and proceed forward with my life, when God showed me my dependence…and it wasn’t on him.

When I began diving into the word and an appointed community I was realizing quickly that I have never took time to heal from one thing before moving onto another.  I was simply feeding my patterns of fight or flight. I began to understand that yes I do have issues to work through but I have also realized how much love I have inside of me.  This love was not created by me but for me…it is my shelter.

In this shelter I have found purpose and security, unconditional love and understanding, peace and tranquility. See I realized the more I tried to force something the more I was actually fighting God.  Now I am a known fighter but this was a match that I was destined to lose.

I have filled my days and nights with the mantra of “Jesus I trust you.” That mantra sent a whirlwind of hope coursing through my veins.  I was finally able to see me for what I really am and who I am supposed to be. These realizations have come at a very steep cost including analyzing my own will against the will of a champion. I was forced to look at how I coped with situations and presented with an option. I could either continue this ultimately damned path or I could listen for instruction because it has always been there. I chose listening.

I had to understand that I was not listening for a profound part the heavens and speak audible words kind of listening. I was being shown at a rate as fast as I could accept that you genuinely have to read between the lines to hear the voice of God. “Be still and know that I am God” is exactly the answer to my longing for words.  

In the stillness I get so much perspective so much peace, everything I had always prayed for.  I am gaining a perspective that my narrow mind had never dared to envision. But there was still challenges at hand, challenges of dependence.

Now I know it is not safe to stop medicines cold turkey..its a gradual process. But there were some medications that were not necessary because it was only a fix I was after. So with God I have been working to break the dependence on things not created by him for his glory.  These exact things would be termed vises not medicine.

I am slowly becoming more and more aware of where my dependence lies and how to safely navigate away from the things that have strongholds in my life.  God is alive and well in me ready to do the maintaining for me.

Today I woke with a perspective that was beyond measure.  I found my hearts desire to still be that of love but a better understanding and appreciation for others journey,  This is my journey my adventurous journey of discover, healing, living and loving. I am happy to say that I was liberated when I realized certain things I didn’t need because I have the best medicine of all.  I have God!

I will continue to let the Lord explore me and navigate me through treacherous terrain but with an understanding.  The understanding that I am human and am a flawed sinner takes center stage because I have to depend on something in those times of sorrow and I am. I am being set free from the constraints of my mind and renewed by the blood.

These vices have become less and less apparent because I found what I needed. I will continue to utilize my source of healing while he prepares me for my next steps.  I will no longer rely on a fix from anyone but God. I will continue my necessary medications and coping skills until my master deems it fit to take the next step. I am alive and I am cleansed.