I have to say I am so excited these days to wake up and see what it is that God has chosen for my day. Long gone is the wondering of what kind of mood I would be in or how I would get through the long hours of the day. The dread was so consuming that it dwindled my flame.
I am a little late to writing today but God was doing some major work in the dawning of the 4am hour. I probably could have sat down and wrote, but I had a direct order to wait. So I carried on with the normalcy of my day and went for my head clearing, God diving morning walk.
I do most of my walking at the campus nearby. It is such a serene place full of life. The foliage is dynamic and the words that I have imparted on my heart are earth shattering. Today is no different. Yep you guessed it more perspective, but isn’t that the point.
I was walking along admiring the beauty and listening to a sermon or rather lesson from one of my favorite minister, Steven Furtnick. No only was I in a classroom but the teacher was talking directly to me since I decided to sit in the front row.
I was quickly tuned in when I was listening to the story of the woman who thought she had nothing left to give. She was full of regret and self pity most likely because she was comparing herself to others not realizing her full potential. She felt very empty, forlorn, grieve stricken but not out. When she finally realized that God was telling her that she didn’t need stuff to make her worthy, but she needed to recognize that she was a vessel. She was instructed to find empty jars and fill them with oil. Even when she had no jars left she was instructed to get more and continue to fill. There was one catch that was overlooked in the loneliness and the insecurities, this was that God needed her to have nothing so he could be her everything.
God knows we do our best living, loving, remembering, forgiving and forgetting when we are vulnerable. See he was telling the woman that even though she didn’t feel like she had anything, he was still using her to continue to pour despite circumstances. In that time of filling or rather trusting I imagine she seen her entire life transformed. She didn’t need things to be used or even loved, she needed to come as she was and obey.
This aligns so much to my life. For most of my adulthood I have tried to cling to things of this world, never quite being able to grasp what I felt was just within reach. I compared myself to others for things that were both unseen and seen. This kind of comparison or rather lies I was believing left me with an enormous void that only rang the words of worthlessness. What a lie that was! Even though I have not much physical to give, he made me with gifts that I was to use for him. I overlooked that part. I knew that God had given me specialties but I refused to use them. Well maybe not totally but the efficacy of them was dismissed because I was not using them in the way he had planned.
I am a writer and an encourager. These are my very apparent gifts from God to use for his glory, but I only did them when I felt like it. By attempting to set my own standards, the void grew larger and my contentment was dissipating. My strength have become null and my fight was about done…then he rescued me. He put me in a situation where it was necessary to use that fight or flight mechanism. I knew there was a reason I am so wired with these feelings…it was because I needed them. I needed to get my story out because my words encourage myself and others to keep fighting.
I don’t know where the Lord will send me but I am all his to do so. I am obeying by writing regularly and he is blessing me with the inspiration of words. He reminded me that it is ok to write for myself but let it be known that the effects of all this would be great and for him. I know without a doubt that my words are reaching the masses but more importantly it is reaching the masses of my own heart. I feel alive and new, Me the girl with so much mental anguish that death felt like my only reprieve. I am being shown and used that there is so much more to me if I just trust.
One thing I can say for sure is he is still working on me….and you! Don’t give up but rather lean in. Instead of listening to the voice of doubt listen to the triumphs of victory. It is there that you will find your purpose and with purpose we will all find peace.