I have it laid on my heart so strong this morning to fight through this blog and see where it takes me. I will be honest right now my mind is in a state of wandering and I am trusting God to harness it.
My brother who was 40 years old died on September 30, 2018 from effects of drug abuse. See my brother God rest his soul was lost for so long and too proud to get help or stay clean. His heart was so tender, that was the real issue. He was built in the likeness of God with a heart that was so pure with love. When he was clean he would go out of his way for anyone and everyone, no boundaries. He knew first hand what it was like to be homeless and hungry, so he was called to be a servant often in that nature. With a heart that pure often comes loneliness of the mind. A perpetual prison of self torture. In the end the horrible effects of so many synthetic chemicals in his system took its toll and claimed another young life.
Now here is where I want to get real…the aftermath. I’m not talking a week or 2 into grieving I am talking about that 1 month mark when most have moved on. The calls and visits of concern have worn off and people have went back to living life with this death a slightly distant memory. I totally get it and I’ve totally done it. But what about those who were there for the years of torment and worry, sleepless nights and days of bargaining. The highs that were experienced when the addict was clean and the complete question of worth when they use again. Not many people talk about this part because it is not nearly as interesting as learning the news nor habit formed sympathy for the occasion. This is the part where my parents, who did everything in the world and more than a person should to save a life.
That life was literally and extension of my parents so I get why they did what they did and why they feel how they do. Despite the best efforts the decision wasn’t theirs but the consequences are. They have to live day after day with the reminder of the 40 years my brother graced this earth. To them he wasn’t just some junky, he was their son, the light of their life, just like their other 3 children.
I couldn’t even begin to describe the anguish that is ignited in both of my parents. Though it manifests completely different in men versus women I understand the basic fundamentals. I know that my mom with her heart of a warrior feels defeated. I understand she is lost not only from losing her son but from being separated from someone who relied completely on her, much as a young child. I understand that there is a conflict between her faith and her reality. Don’t get me wrong she goes straight to the Lord with any and all of her needs, but any human has a sense of wondering and regret. After all they specifically define 5 steps of grief so all this is a norm.
Here is the part I want my mom to be able to understand because I can definitely type it more than say it. “Mom you are to rest and be held. You have ran such a long marathon with nourishment of faith. With this kind of faith comes great rewards. You have been such a good and faithful servant…well done. I know your heart is heavy but God has given you 3 other beautiful gifts that are here for you now. See he didn’t under prepare you…he gave you excess. It’s ok to lean on us, the control was never yours and now it is time to let that go. When death comes we all know its because life is promised. Go easy on yourself you are beloved.”
Dad on the other hand is quite honestly a typical man of his generation full of pride and confusion. In his way of life he has created his own coping and that often includes laughter and excessive joking. I think we all know people like that, I’m one of them. See if we can lighten the subject then that is our way of taking some the burden off another person. Its not that he doesn’t care but he is regretting so much. He is stuck in the days of what if or I could have and that’s a sad scary place to be. I want my dad to know that it is ok to feel all the feelings that maybe you cant even define but it is not ok to blame yourself. You did the absolute best you could with the circumstances you were given. You are a husband, father, provider and amazingly intelligent despite popular belief. You were a father taking care of his family. It was your responsibility to raise your children then it was their responsibility to continue growth. It’s time for you to rest to. Rest come from God, he will show you the way to comfort specifically designed for you.
There, folks, is the low down dirty of my world at this moment. I am so thankful to be able to be here with them so God can use me as a vessel of love for them. With all the perspective I am gaining and the precious joy the Lord is filling me with, I feel useful….worthy.
Thank you God for these times of trial so that I may draw nearer to you. Please continue to comfort my mom and dad through this time. We know without a doubt we are going to come out the other side of this test with a testimony. I give you all the honor, all the glory and of course all the praise….Amen