Lately life has been an extremely rough lesson for me. From having what I felt like was safety and security to learn how temporary things really are. I put my trust in people or rather was working on putting my trust in people and realizing very quickly that this was all wrong. I had found myself even more lost than when I had nothing.
Most of my life I have always been looking for something. I was looking for comfort to help me to be able to progress through the day. I was seeking fulfillment from people and places rather than the one who matters. See I had thought that if things were going well this must be the plan God has for me. Why would my desires for something be so strong if this wasn’t my will aligning with the will of God? I thought my interpretations were sound until I hit a detour then I punished myself. I would find blame in my mental capacity or my execution which only left me in more of a fog.
I worked most of my life to try to find approval in others knowing in my heart that if I overcame mankind then I could overcome anything. I hope now you are seeing why I have talked so much about perspective. The fact of the matter was my perspective was all as-cued. This was an endless empty pit that was impossible to fill. Sure it could be filled in the temporary but the temporary was getting me no where other than more self pity.
I spent most of my 39 years on this earth feeling so lonely, wondering why I couldn’t match up to anyone’s standards of me. The depth of the pain was so consuming that dark became my usual. It honestly got so bad I was to the point where I didn’t want to hurt myself but it felt like that was the only reprieve I was being granted….until I searched deeper.
Now before I go deeper let me say that it was a major perspective switch that brought me out of the darkness. A seeking for something greater than mankind himself that could become point and center of my desires.
In the darkness I was breeding more darkness. I was seeking avenues of gratitude from man when I needed to be seeking from my creator, after all this is his story for his glory, not mine. I was selfish and confused. I had everything I ever prayed for in my life until disruption or rather the challenge to grow revealed itself. This was the time to sink or swim.
I have always prided myself in how much of a fighter I was, taking the recognition that I could withstand and fight the battle of a warrior. But this warrior was very untrained so I never had the stamina to withstand. I would take so much until I would break. This is the sign of a fixer not a fighter. The battle was not for me to handle but my pride decided to trump my rational thought, the knowing that I am human. I had to lose control in the physical world so the spiritual realm could take it’s stand.
I am far from perfect in fact I would happily relish in the fact of how imperfect I am . When I finally admit to myself and the world that I in fact have no control then I discover more imperfections. The imperfections have a great destination because they are lessons, trials, all made for my growth. If I had it all controlled and all was good then why would I need to grow? I wouldn’t because there was no struggle to produce evidence of a greater good at work.
In this time I am discovering so much about myself, it almost feels like a moment from “Eat, Pray, Love.” The extent of this journey is predetermined but it is very possible to find peace in all this. With peace I am able to find rest, in rest I am able to find joy. These are all the things I have prayed so hard for but only in times of desperation.
Today I am renouncing my claim to control and let the natural progression of God take over my life. I am doing this because it has proven successful in the past and the present. I am finding myself new, eager, willing and waiting patiently. Well maybe not patiently to some standards but to the standards I am seeking…I am being fulfilled.