Celebrating a Sad Anniversary

Yesterday was an extremely hard day but it ended in victory!

It is no shock that I have been going through some of the hardest times of my life. From losing a 5 years engagement to the unexpected yet expected death of my brother. The amount of grief that is coursing through my body can only be equated to one emotion….consuming sadness.

I know I have talked a lot about grief but this isn’t an emotion that you get to choose, it chooses you. There are no boundaries for grief, there is no timeline. The emotion rears its head at the slightest memory of what was. When things are going seemingly great it can deflate a balloon quicker than that balloon was inflated. If there is already a bad day in the forecast it can quickly take a turn down memory lane, to remind of what was and what could have been.

October 30, 2018 marked the 1 month anniversary of my brothers untimely death. That in itself is a sad time but add in the emotions of the parents of a lost child then you really start to understand what grief is all about. It is a necessary emotion, It is used to build strength and with strength comes great revelation thus building character.

When I woke yesterday I was so positive it was going to be a good day. After all I have numerous times declared victory but I have also learned that my version of victory may not necessarily be the victory that is heading my way. Let me explain a bit. See I am a strong believer in Christ and I am proud of that. Without Christ my journey would have ended a long time ago. The reason I serve is because it is who I am, it is engrained into my every being. I have often prayed the prayer for the Lord to use me as a vessel to serve others in his name. This comes with a lot of responsibility but it also packs a punch of joy.

I had a job interview yesterday for a position that seemed God ordained and designed particularly for me. It was a mesh of my passions and my abilities or so I thought. I wrapped myself up in the explanation that I first received as the details of the position, I even found myself saying “I have no idea how this happened, it must be God.” Without a doubt it was God but maybe the position wasn’t right for me.

I got my hopes up based on an understanding from my first interview to only find during a second interview that it was exactly the opposite. The grander quickly wore off the more I learned of the details of the position. Suddenly I was going from grace to defeat, not understanding how this description could be so different then I had imagined. I realized that I was out of my elements, but I still went for it regardless. I gave answers to the best of my knowledge without regarding “free information” for this particular company. What I mean by free information is being careful not to give up too much of my strategies from something that I have been paid for in the past.

When someone asks me strategies I am immediately red flagged because the knowing in me says what is the reason to have me employed if I freely give of something that is honestly a charging service. No I will not divulge that information but I am more than happy to give a round about answer that is most likely cliche but still displays my understanding and drive. If there is potential in my methods then the chance on my skills needs to be taken so I am rightfully compensated for my hard work and dedication. So needless to say the interview was an absolute bust. From the attitude I received to the lack of respect in eye contact let me know this is not the place for me.

After the interview I felt so much defeat wondering why all the plans I felt were being set in motion, but in reality it was more of a “hold on” moment. I was reminded to not let my imagination get away from me and plan but with the expectation that I am being tested on patience. The whole way home I was looking out the window and silently talking to God pleading for guidance on my next steps. My parents had rode along with me so it was time for them to get out and away from the day that lie before them.

On the way home we stopped at the graveyard to visit my brothers grave. I was not remotely prepared for the feelings, not only my own but that of my parents. I don’t think I have ever in my life experienced so much sadness in such an open place. No walls could hold this loss but even the winds of change couldn’t define that moment.

From watching and hearing both of my parents talk to the grave, to feeling the death that resides inside their wounded souls. Honestly I knew in that very moment that I was so in over my head that all I could do was walk around the graveyard allowing my parents to have their time of remembering, forgiving, regret, pleading and growing strength. It was a bittersweet viewing. What was I supposed to do, how am I the youngest of 4 kids, in a place that I was trying to be the rock for my family yet grieve for myself? This was truly a hard day for me.

When we got back home I immediately wanted to go walk/run and clear my head, but nightfall was rapidly approaching. How in the world was I going to be able to vent my worries and frustrations if the element of my comfort was already passed for the day? So out of character, until recently, I contacted my soul sister and began to break down. My cries were becoming so fierce that I was losing the very breath I was using to explain my grief. While talking I got the “come on over” words that lit up my soul. I could go to someone without fear of condemnation and pour out my heart….it’s was my reprieve for sure.

When I arrived at her house I was greeted with the warmth and light that she always displays. Knowing that our relationship isn’t one sided., wehave talked many times about how even in my troubled times it helps her to realize so much about her life and continue to grow in her own character. We have a relationship that is anything but one sided but still very necessary for both our survival.

I began to talk about the events of the days between gasps and rolling tears. I shared my highs and lows while she quietly listened not only to me but for her own words of guidance. While I was talking I found my stories to overlap from all the loss I had faced and how God could possibly think I am the right fit for this job of living and loving. I was bouncing from one story to the other, honestly anyone that would have been listening could hear the confusion and dismay in my voice but my Jules was extra sensitive to it. I recounted the still confusing events of my breakup along with the events leading up to and including the death of my brother. I was spiraling but in a very protected environment.

After my insensate rambling and crying, I started to get understanding and clarity from a 15 year old boy. This is beyond any understanding than I could have even expected from a full grown man experienced in life. He was reminding me that I had value and I needed to see things for what they were but still keep plunging ahead. I was blown away by his perspective right down to understanding and examples of the singular thinking mind frame of man.

In time Jules jumped in and began to comfort me through the brilliant healing of touch, Just rubbing my arm as if to say ” I know you hurt, I hurt for you, but you are strong.” Together they were reminding me of my worth but not to compare it to my grief. I was coming alive realizing the extent of their displayed love.

After a few hours I felt renewed ready to forge ahead and continue to dig for purpose while I allowed human nature to keep me in check. I was so aware of the people who needed me and I needed along with the people who were using me for their own gain. Once I got that perspective in order I was ready to continue to be used for Glory.

It was a hard day and a sad anniversary but when God aligns the people and places in your life the questions suddenly become statements, statements of faith and perseverance . I was refueled and recharged,my focus was back on the prize. After checking the spirit of defeat I gained the spirit of love, peace, joy, reverence and discipline.

Things may not have went the way I wanted to yesterday but by the timeI went to bed I was encouraged by a beautiful and thought provoking statement made in a meme to me by my cousin. The meme said ” I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.”This was profound and perfect with precise timing. I loved the spin on the serenity prayer but customized to the fighter in me.

Today is a new day. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Thank you to my ride or die peeps that reminded me that the world is genuinely my oyster but if I want to find the pearls I am going to have to search for the best fishing spots. I am a fisher of men and women. I will throw my net in knowing the struggle isn’t going to be where are the fish but rather how I can make sure my net is prepared with the fish come to me.