Have you ever in your life wanted something so bad and you went to great lengths to obtain this certain something only to end up resenting the very nature? Well I have! This morning was the biggest wake up call to my entire existence but exactly what I had been praying for.
It is no surprise like many people I went through life with a checklist of what I wanted and the age as which I was to attain it by. I was a director of a movie that I had not only written the script but casted, choreographed and produced with a one man show. I was the one who made all the stipulations, all in my time, but could never figure out why I ended up feeling worse than I started. I mean if God was going to answer a prayer wouldn’t it be a complete answer, a once and for all….magic basically.
Cue God and his plan..his program. See the prayers of my life have been based around worldly desires. Most of them were the desires that I thought could make me feel complete that was until I spent a number of years inside those half answered prayers. Suddenly I found myself bound to obligation. The things that I had desired became work and work is often not fun. Real life rears its head and the mundane of the day to day obligations override any joy that I ever had.
I am a strong willed person I have mentioned that in the past but my will is no match for the will of God. So funny how what we think is supposed to be will send panic into your soul all the while sucking the joy out of the answer. This is where things started making sense to me. I was stuck in a place that obligation was my normal and my fight mechanism was in full force, completely trumping the victory of God.
I have always wanted a family, but not just any family. I wanted one that praised the Lord and loved life. I wanted to be a strong united front for the work of God and oddly enough that was exactly what I got, so I should have been happy, right? Well I was but only for a short while. See after basically not knowing what to do with myself in a role that I was custom designed for I became complacent in the task. I forgot that the little family that God had gifted me was a blessing not a curse. I forgot to capture the moments that truly meant something and just begrudgingly planned for the next task at hand. I am a doer not a watcher…i was being Martha not Mary!
In my family growing up my Mom took the center of rearing us as children because my Dad was away busy earning a living so we could have the necessities of life…like food, clothes, shelter… So my Mom was the one who got all the stuff done at home. Trying to balance everyday life of her own while caring and maintaining 4 young children was not an easy task and very exhausting. Naturally if we are a product of what we see and learn, we will in turn make that our normal part of life. So I thought I was the one to care for it all…I was so wrong.
When the obligation kicks in there is no longer a sense of realness. What I mean by that is there is no time to see what is actually going on right in front of you. When you cant see life, you cant respond to it or even enjoy the situation. Theses situations are to help character grow, a way to set the course straight. I literally stopped living outside my obligation and I became so lost.
Recently I was told that with me being lost it meant that I gave up and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. In my eyes when a person is lost it is like sitting on the edge of a fence…or rather like being a skeptic…a decision will have to be made. To be lost denotes that there is a chance to be found, whereas giving up means no turning back. But if I think about it in the views of another person I can easily see how these actions or rather lack of action could be misconstrued to show defeat.
As a parent or even step parent defeat is not the message you want to send. It becomes a new message of “do as I say not as I do”..so confusing, How in the world was I supposed to be an example if I was saying don’t give up and that was exactly what I was doing. But see I wasn’t giving up on the family God gifted me with I was giving up on me…as a child of God. I put teaching obligation over the obligation to myself to grow and nurture my relationship so I could be used as a vessel for the love and kindness I needed.
So much is making sense to the point that I feel embarrassed for the behavior I had despite the fact that God has answered a major prayers for me. I made myself become a victim of circumstance instead of being a fighter for Christ. I had the “Wo is me” mentality being devoured by so much self pity that I shut out the love right in front of my eyes. Boy am I ever sorry for the mistakes I made but I am not sorry for continuing to seek the right answers even at the sake of my own human happiness.
I know now that when God allows someone or something in my life it is because it is a gift. A gift is to be cared for extra special because in reality we couldn’t have done anything to deserve this. I guess that takes this whole loop back to self worth. I get it now…I do have worth I do have value… I am a child of God. I am not a mistake and I am not a throw away item. I am crafted from the high king and grafted from the essence of my parents as an answer for a gift their hearts desired. I am wanted and needed.
All these revelations would not be possible if I didn’t have this time with God. I would still be stuck in a pit of despair wondering why I am another victim blaming my emotions on mental issues. No, I am not a victim I am a fighter and I am a survivor…nothing God didn’t already know.
In this time of revealing I am gaining so much understanding but not in my plan. I am gaining wisdom but not in knowledge. I am facing the trials so I can be triumphant! All I can say is that I am so grateful that he is still working on me and if he hasn’t given up on me then he wouldn’t even consider giving up on you. You are worth all the headaches and heartaches;There is a reason they are presenting in your life. We are always at a crossroads in life so do we want to continue standing there waiting for a ride or do we allow God to provide the chariot that will deliver us to the final destination? The choice is yours the same as it is mine. Today I choose to wave at the car who is driving back and forth knowing that the ride I am waiting for will be here at any moment.