Throughout this season of discovery I am finding out so much about myself including the good, the bad and the ugly. Despite what I label these truths, it such an eye opener. Sometimes I like what I find about myself and sometimes the fact of my actions have physically made me ill.
To understand the statement behind my title I guess we have to take a bit of a deeper look into my life including my reactions to situations. This is a very hard piece for me to write but it is beyond necessary or I would never have had the revaltions that I have encountered.
I want to back up a bit and describe my past. Yes I know the past is exactly that the past but this is shaping grounds. This is where my destructive behavior has began and with God on my side this is where it will end. In my life, as with most, I cant let go until I go through a process and this process included forgiving myself.
I was married to an amazing man when I was in my early 20’s, the man I thought I was going to spend my entire life with. He did all the right things and of course said all the right things. We had what I thought was a solid foundation to learn that it was earth bound foundation and that leads no where. We had a great relationship, we didn’t fight, of course, we bickered but what couple doesn’t. We had a lot in common at the time or rather I made his desires my own so I would have that strong friendship/relationship that I longed for.
Things were very well through most of our marriage until one fateful day it suddenly wasn’t good anymore. See I had planted a seed in his mind that I was holding him back and opening the idea that he wanted more than I could offer. Our relationship spiraled fast. Then one day he tells me that he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. I was devastated. I had built my entire life around this man and vowed to spend my life with him to only be faced with the imperfection of worldly desires. Why would he want me anymore? After all I was the person who even opened his mind to realize deficiency’s in our marriage and so he chose to step out and find comfort elsewhere.
My reaction was devastating I seriously thought my entire world had fallen apart and thus the suicide ideation stepped in. I thought with all my sorted past that if we couldn’t make it then there was no reason to keep on. I’d like to say this is the birth of my fight or flight but in reality I had been living my entire life in that place.
I was stuck in a position that I had no idea what to do so I called on my parents to come and get me. Of course like any loving parent they were right there for me. I was so lost but started to see the light of the pattern of my long forgotten behavior. Fear, loneliness, lashing out, falling to the pits of hell it was all so apparent, but I was the victim, right? That marriage ended almost as abruptly as it had started and I was far from ok.
The events of the marriage wreaked havoc in my life moving forward. I was so confused, honestly so victimized but there was one emotion that trumped this entire process. The emotion was loneliness I didn’t want to be by myself and start all over. This isn’t what marriage was about so something needed to be done.
I jumped back in my mind to a time when things were confusing to me and started to process all over of how I handled those situations, I shut down. I developed the mentality that if this was all I was worth then I could be like my spouse and walk away and forget. So I did, but the loneliness was even more apparent. Now, mind you, this divorce happened so fast and without God in the captain seat, but the I was a survivor mentality was born.
Within about a couple months of being back to my parents house all my signs showed that I was ready to move on so I did. I thought that the loneliness that took over me meant that my struggles needed to be met by someone. Doing the only thing I knewI decided it was time to forget the past and move on.
I was quickly introduced to a man that was the exact opposite of my ex husband. My thought process was that if I couldn’t make it work with a man I thought was right for me then I needed drastic measures, I needed to explore the dark side. Enter in the spiral of decent.
I was with this man for a number of years to only find my heartache and headaches manifesting in a way that was bringing me down. The loneliness that I had previously felt was amplified. My common sense knew what was going on but my fighters will trumped every chance I had of making myself happy. Of course through all this turmoil of this relationship I developed the mentality that I made my bed so I was going to lie in it. I made the decision to move on and I would be damned if I wasn’t going to make this work, at whatever risk it took. So what did I do with this tremulous relations?… yep you guessed it I married the man. So keep your count because I am now at husband number 2.
Let me go on record to say that this relationship was NOT ordained by God but rather my own free will. The fights were constant the inability to meet up to standards on both of our parts was trumping the relationship we were trying to build. So when hard times struck there was no foundation to fall back on making this a very abusive relationship in the aspect of BOTH of us causing each other more grief than we could possibly take. Tempers were matched at a level that no one would back down and then the patterns started to emerge again. I was not happy, he was not happy and we were simply existing just so we could not claim defeat.
My head went into a spiral wondering what I could have done different and executing the plans my mind created to try to survive. But the damage was so profound and with no positive basis we were just creating more problems that may have normally not existed. I felt so alone even in my marriage as well as him displaying the lack of empathy so I was back to the fight or flight mode. My fight was gone so it was time to fly. I couldn’t take anymore of not only this self inflicted hell but the hell he had inflicted on me. So we split.
Another split, oh my goodness my failure rate was up and my self confidence was down, what was I to do? Well if you see the patterns emerging you will realize that in my mind it was time to move on. But this time was going to be different. I knew what had seemed to work and I was going to stick to that plan.
I had met a man that was from my past and we hit is off creating a new sense of vitality in me. The newness surpassed the old so the old no longer existed in my mind. Things were going great we were learning the right way to create a foundation for our relationship which was God but we were still trying to handle our lives on our own. We didn’t fight we didn’t argue we didn’t grow. So once again enter stage left old patterns. But these patterns were very as-cued, they conflicted all the ideologies that my brain had conceived. Yes we were growing in the lord but i was shrinking in the capacities to learn from my mistakes, face them and move on.
Now I was becoming destructive. My destruction was in the manner of self pity. I started to remember all of my past and I got stuck there. I had never really took time to face and overcome my demons therefore I was bringing the dysfunction over into this new relationship that was honestly everything I had prayed for. I was lashing out in ways that had been displayed to me and through me. It got really bad. I can tell you right now there is nothing worse than seeing a loyal loving person loose their own fight just trying to recoup from the fight that I was exerting. So naturally that relationship ended bringing me to present day.It was time for a radical change, a facing and releasing of my past mistakes.
I decided that I wanted to try it a way that I had never tried before….to submit to God. I am here to tell you first hand that submission sucks when you have a strong will but so necessary for healing. I was tired of the cycle that always led to the same ending so I enlisted God into my fight. Actually the correct wording would be I gave it to God.
When I started discipling myself to seek first things began to change, perspectives began to shift. Suddenly I realized that the loneliness wasn’t in fact loneliness it was the prison of pain I had locked myself into. I started to see all the things I had blamed on my past were just as much a result of my dysfunction as it was of that of my past spouses. I had to heal, that’s why nothing was working.
So here I am now in the healing process and let me tell you how liberating this simple step is. I am no longer pointing fingers looking for fault and I am stopping the cycle of mental and emotional abuse that I was trapped in for so long. Yes there are times I feel lonely, that is a human trait but I have also learned how to fix my focus. When the lies of my past erupted I began to seek first the Lord for guidance then sit back patiently while he worked in me and through me to heal me. I am no longer a captive to fear.
Now the journey has become an adventure. It is an adventure of wondering but not pondering what is meant for my next steps in life. It is the sweet release of knowing how constructive this time with only God has been. The best way I can describe it is as a rebirth. There are so many things that I am finding out about myself as well as the joy of being used as a tool to help others bypass this horrid fate I imposed on myself.
I know with all my heart I have a long way to go but this is a fight that I was asked to partake so I’m going to with my heart ,my mind and my soul. See I realized I was no better than the abuse I had endured so if I was to move on from that I had to go through the healing process. Processes are exactly that, time to build patience, strength and wisdom that is lasting.
I don’t know what the Lord has for me in store but each day I awake with a new appreciation for the sun rises as well as my body and mind as a temple. I know this is all meant for the greater glory but I have to break the patterns and that my friends is exactly what I’m doing.