I like everyone else have my good days and bad days. Now let me start off by saying that these bad days are not “patterned” bad days but reality bad days. They are the days where my vulnerability is higher than others, the days where I feel the weight of the world cashing down on me because of circumstances that are linked to grieving.
Yesterday felt like a day of defeat. I found myself in a whirlwind of emotions mostly because I am realizing that I am not as strong as I would like to think. The time where my past, yes my past, catches up with me and forces me to analyze what is right and what is wrong.
The day actually stared off quite well, I was feeling alive, trusting in the Lord for things to go according to his purpose. I did my new normal routine where I would take my walk of replenishment and face the day. While on my walk, I stopped to talk to a man that I have passed on the trail many times. I try to make a point to smile and say hi to those who are also walking but that was not the extent this time. This gentleman seemed to be beckoning me and I knew in an instant that it was time for headphones to come off and ears to go on.
This amazing man started the conversation so very innocent as too asking me the length of my walk and the consistency of my efforts. We exchanged some health informed tidbits then the conversation took a turn. See he was bold enough to ask me how my faith was and with a smile I responded with the answer of “strong and growing” this is where it all changed.
He began to talk about his faith and his belief coupled with some struggles he himself was facing at such a late age in his life. My compassion and empathy began to sore because I could feel his pain and confusion. I could tell that he thought he would be more secure in his thought process based on his age but in fact he was very fragile, very vulnerable, and wanting comfort. So I just let him pour his heart out and watched tears flow from his eyes right in the middle of the trail head. His struggles, his insecurities were so apparent and so much in line with some of my struggles so I awaited patiently for him to finish because I had realized this was in fact a divine appointment.
When he finished I found myself resonating his grief and unmet expectations to the core of my being but I was alive with a word of comfort. Not only was I there to provide comfort and understanding, I was there to give myself a message since I was allowing God to use me for his glory. I don’t want to go into specifics of this conversation so that I made properly provide anonymity to this individual, but you can it was an image that everything all of us encounter from faith,relationships, struggles, family, loss and gain. It is much like I have said before, we all have the same journey, just different stories.
I found myself coming alive utilizing the words that my depths of my study and trust had revealed. I was able to instill hope and understanding. An understanding that surpassed the surface but not so deep that it wasn’t relatable. I was careful to listen quickly and speak slowly allowing time for the Lord to speak through me. It was an amazing experience that left me praising so loudly that I had tangible evidence of God at work in me. Some time after our encounter I left feeling so alive.
Now one thing I have learned first hand is that every time there is a victory there is a new enemy assigned to attempt to defeat the feelings of love and growth that accompany the victory. Let me tell you this time was no different. But what was different was the ability for my mind to not only recognize this but a chance to make this attack count but another chance to grow.
My attack came in the form of my past. Something that I had been hanging on to a bit too tightly confusing myself of hope through endurance. This time the amount of defeat I felt at simple little words that were making me face a harsh reality that was so profound, I gave into the defeat.
I contacted my bestie that I know is the type of person that will not bash a person but in fact help me to see the core of my problem. I align myself very specifically because I do not want the ways of he world to trump my faith that stands strong in a foundation of love and kindness, rebirth and renewal. No, I don’t look for someone who will tell me what I want to hear, but rather the words that are guided by God. Sometimes these words are comforting but other times they are smack me in the face, why didn’t I realize this.
The revelation that was laid before me was so profound but not deep. They were words I needed to hear despite the pain they caused. The words were spoken in a manner that I could tell without a shadow of a doubt, were God approved and ordained. The amazing thing is it wasn’t a lot of words but words of cut to the chase.
The words I was listening to showed me that in fact my base problem was I didn’t love myself. I didn’t think I was worthy based on circumstances to love myself and it was something I hadn’t done in a long time. See I always stepped up to be that person that was there to help others with their problems with the profession of how much it helps me to help other. Now I do love to help others but I was doing it at the expense of not dealing with my own insecurities. I was letting people push me out then reel me in causing more grief then I could imagine.
After a lengthy talk and so many tears I realized how right she was. This was my time to understand myself while being used as a vessel…this is completely possible. But the fear oh the fear came over me to the extent that my heart dropped to my stomach and it felt like my brothers death and my break up compiled into one catastrophic event…I felt physically ill. I’m pretty sure this is was resound must feel like.
I graciously allowed my friend to point out, through her own instances, that we needed to learn to love ourselves if we were to be used properly, effectively and create growth that we both desperately sought. Her words were so God sent that I could feel the love behind what typically would have felt like a berate in the past. I could tell the words were what I desired but desired with fear and trepidation.
After several hours of the tears and the choking because of the tears things started to make sense. I needed to set the boundaries in my life if I was going to live my potential. I was not going to be used for someone else’s shameless gain. This was my time to be selfish, as the others in my life had been doing, if I wanted to make the change once and for all.
The new perspective this light of life was showing me was a new fight being born altogether. My fight was now a fight for me, for survival essential to growth. Yes, I will admit this part of my journey scares me because there is no one else in charge of me except God in me. I realized very quickly this wasn’t going to be easy but it was essential for my progression.
Today I look back at the events of my yesterday and realize they were exactly that, yesterday! I was able to see the highs and the lows but I still woke up this morning. Not only did I wake but I woke anew with a sense of revival. I am going to continue to push forward understanding the set backs to come, but the set backs are meant to urge me forward.
I hope with all my heart and soul that in some capacity you were able to resonate with my tough day, understanding how fragile we as humans are. Despite what we feel in our core there is always a new day around the corner to apply the revelations that happen to us all. For now I will love the hard lessons and dig deeper to find my place and my peace once and for all.