Don’t you just love the little moments in time when all the struggles and all the heartaches starts to make sense? I live for these moments. I call these moments of revelation, epiphanies or simply put…growth. After all that is what I am trying to do, grow, so I can be the breaker of this nasty chain of giving power to my mind.
Yesterday, Thanksgiving Day, was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I had been “training” to be able to handle this day with dignity and grace, but that was a major flop. I thought that I was going to be the happy-go-lucky one and be able to take the weight of the world and hand it over to God. I guess you could say I almost got a little confident in myself….I got cocky. I was a mess you guys, I was crying crocodile tears laced with pain and agony. It wasn’t until the end of the day that I started to feel that it was ok to take care of me and my hurts.
You know unlike normal I didn’t talk to awful much about my problems that evening, but instead I just enjoyed the company of those who I could let my guard down around. I will tell you that was the exact dose of this very specific medicine that I needed. I started to feel more like myself when I reverted away from old habits of isolation, anger and self-pity. I started to embrace the celebration and feel more peaceful. It was a perfect ending to a sad day.
This morning when I woke after a very restful nights sleep, I started my routine of early mornings which always start with my time with God. I am currently Reading the devotional book by author and amazing woman of God, Sarah Young. The book is called “Jesus Calling.” There are several different books but this particular one is “Embracing Joy in His Presence.” The reason I love these books so much is because it actually feels like my tangible evidence that God is talking, in first person, to me. It is the perfect picture to increase my mental visuals and create conversations. I tend to just read and read, like I said, my conversations from God to me.
Every time I sit down to read any of these books it seems within minutes I start to make very fast correlations in my head, of life, and in specific my walk. Today was absolutely no different…the process was happening. Oh wait there was a difference, today I was tuned into the instructions I was reading and executing them at that very moment. I am beyond excited to talk about my talk with God because quite honestly it is the answer to a life long prayer…..What is the Darkness?
I was about 7-8 pages in when the black and white print was all that existed in my world. I was getting my explanation of exactly what the darkness is. Now let me jump back a bit for those who do not suffer from ANY form of depression..lol. The darkness is the place where our minds go that we often call a place of coping. It is honestly a place of nothingness, a place of lonely self-preservation.
When you struggle so badly the dark place becomes a very physical place. We don’t realize it much but when we isolate, that is the darkenss. When we cry for no reason other than pain within, that is the darkenss. When we worry about the future and get stuck in our past, it is the darkenss. But why does no ones darkness deem the same definition if it is such a generalized place?
It was like a lightning bolt struck me, the surge of electricity racing through my body. The end result of this charge was the power to light a nation. I finally got my rational minds explanation of the “Dark Place.” See the dark place is created and revolved around the imperfections of this world. When our depression or anxiety gets bad, our minds can’t see any good only hurt. But if we are able to identify what the root of the hurt is we realize it is all based around this world. We worry about money, provision, satisfaction, empathy, understanding, what others think of us and so on. That starts to play a loop in our head that quickly becomes a beat with no words so we get lost.
There is a trick to being found….its called submission. When we start to realize these roots then we have an understanding of what we are fighting. Just as with any understanding and growth, realization is the first step to overcoming. When you take some time and realize that the dark place is actually just a self perpetuated hell on earth that we have designed whether consciously or subconsciously. We have created a place or crutch to go to when we are overwhelmed.
The base of the darkness is for the purpose of self punishment one way or another. We are trapped because we have not performed to control every situation. How sad is that? We have so may expectations for ourselves, a large percentage that are only realistic in a scripted movie. Yet we go to this place of our creation that is an endless pit of despair because we haven’t put the time into figuring out how to wire this place with electricity.
The wiring begins with you! Make a decision that today is the day, no wait, now is the moment that you are ready to put forth the effort of self-love. The effort to get to know yourself and face those fears. You are ready to let go of what you can’t control and focus purely on what you can. Its work people and I’m no different from you, I’ve been in the dark place for about 30 years.
I am happy to say that I am in training for this new journey. I am tired, I am achy but I am also very hungry and very thirsty. Won’t you join me on this moment of taking life back from darkness and shed some light on the subject.