Yes, I’m Ok

It’s been a couple a days since I have written and it is primarily because I have had some set backs and I needed time to get my anger and pain into check before I wrote. See I only want to write out of purity. What I mean by purity is not being afraid to write about the bad, but instead write about how I overcame the bad. Sometimes it takes a bit of time to get some perspective, especially as a writer, before I publish words that are truly beneficial.

So back to my last couple of days. I started a job on Monday. Now please let me say before I go on that I started this job out of haste. I have always been a person who rises up to the occasion to be the provider or the responsible one, as I thought. I have always, in extreme desperation, taken matters in my own hands to produce results. Sometimes the results are right and sometimes they are very wrong.

My first day of work I went in with an extremely positive attitude of doing the responsible thing, but the mood quickly changed. As I sit listening to the team I was to be working with and the atmosphere I would be aligned with my gut instinct started telling me something very different, a much sadder story. In the past I have worked in sales, well primarily my whole life one way or another. On top of that I pride myself in being very observant and very disciplined. The morning meeting commenced and i started noticing grudges and anger from the entire staff. I was suddenly in tuned to the spectacle that was being displayed for my benefit and words started coming to my head. I started hearing ” Shari, this is what happens when you make your own plans.” Those words started to ring louder the more the staff talked or rather grumbled. Not many words from the team needed to be said as their body language was telling the story of a place I didn’t belong.

I continued to push through the meeting and was then assigned to work with HR to start my training. The HR manager was doing what an HR manager does and that is to talk up the company. It didn’t take me long to decipher through the jaded words to understand that this was in fact NOT where I belonged. Now let me say that I did not feel this way because I am too good or too qualified for this job but rather a prelude to something greater if I simply wait and be patient. Yep you guessed it patience is not a strong suite of mine thus why I accepted the position. By the time we hit the lunch hour I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I didn’t belong in this “fake an toxic” environment. Finally I was at a place in my life that I didn’t need to settle because I had no one to provide for but myself.

The entire time that people from the company were talking to me, I was praying silently to God to see if in fact I was on the right path. During this time is when the voice in my head or my guts was telling me different. So with the dismissal for lunch I knew that I needed to leave. I needed not take anymore of anyone’s time because this message was clear. I wanted to talk to my supervisor or the GM to let them know that I had decided that I wasn’t a fit for this job, but everyone was tied up in a meeting. Coincidently the HR manager had just provided me with a cell number to contact them for any reason. So I reached out to the number being told that texting was a preferred method and explained briefly that I was grateful for the opportunity but I wasn’t a good fit for this position. I was responded by a text that was wanting understanding if something had been done or said that made me change my mind. I went on in a few words to explain I thought I was ready for these basics but turns out I was not.

Fast forward to later that evening when I was feeling like I had quit on the world and shame followed by guilt reared it’s ugly head. I started hearing all the words of the enemy telling me I’m not enough and that I will never amount to anything. Guys, it got so bad in my head that I literally fell to the ground with the loss of strength and just cried. I not only cried but I was actually slinging snot everywhere. I was defeated as well as had verbal cues that I should have settled. So i went to God with my problems, with my lack of respect and love for myself. It was during this time that something that had been playing a loop popped into my head.

I have been feeling like I am being called somewhere but I didn’t know where. My life was aligning with encouragement and the desire to help others through my writing but it wasn’t producing the income needed for independence. I took time to continue my prayer and that was leading for me to reach out to my support system.

At first I expelled all the guilt I was feeling to only be welcomed with people genuinely being ok with the fact that if I had felt something so wrong that I needed to get out. In talking further with my support system I found myself saying that there is only one place that I wanted to be and that was in a church. The church was calling to me in some capacity to be a part but again no idea where. i have certain qualifications, mainly for the business world, but those qualifications don’t matter in this instance.

Sunday while I was a church the voice of belonging started to echo. Now this wasn’t a voice that says this is your peace for the day, but rather this is your day for peace and discernment. I knew that it wasn’t just in church on Sunday that I belonged but rather this goes beyond home to a calling. Now mind you that this calling has been going on and this extreme pulling was before I had even started this job but was actually a prompt for what was to come.

Yesterday I searched and prayed to the point that I wore myself out so much that most of my day on Tuesday was spent in bed asleep. One thing I noticed that each time I woke from my lazy slumber the words of belonging at a church were ringing with emphasis of finding the location. I knew and finally came to peace with quitting the job to wait on the Lord.

This am I woke to wanting so badly to listen to a sermon that was emailed to me from Elevation church in North Carolina, where Pastor Steven Furtick is the lead pastor. So I started to video of the recent sermon to see a title that was right on time. The title of the sermon was “The Power of the Prompt.” Now we are talking, this sermon was speaking to me because I feel like I am being prompted. So in fashion of my true self I reached out and emailed the pastor not even caring if he responded. This was simply a command I had to follow. So I emailed what words were on my heart and am leaving it at that.

Fast forward again to right now as I am writing this. I am feeling energized because i am doing what is being asked of me. I am not only helping others in the name of the Lord but I am also following advice of his followers, the people he put in my life, to help me through this self doubt. Talking and listening was exactly what I needed to reason even with myself. So for now I am going to continue to obey and know that God has promised to provide and take care of me. I am not so worried about a job and am fine with starting as a volunteer in a church. Even as I write I get a text saying ” You are going somewhere.” Indeed I am gong somewhere that I will be called to, I am going only where I am told and not taking matters in my own hands. This doesn’t mean I wont work it simply means the work has to be deemed for me.

Are you facing a calling or a prompt in your life that is sucking the energy right away from you? I can tell you without doubt that there is something very real about these prompts in your life, they are meant to make you reach your potential. For now I would like you to dig a little deeper, like me, and discover what your position in this world is meant to be. Stand strong in faith and hope knowing that the promises to you will be fulfilled but you have to do the work.

I am sending my prayers of love and support to you all. As always I would like to offer myself as a resource to you so you know with tangible evidence that you are not alone. Much love to you all.