So the last few days I have been having an issue that has hurt me down to the core of my being. I am the person who wants more than anything to HELP others overcome their situations with direction, not the effort of fixing. My heart screams out to those who hurt because I know the feeling so well and this is my journey to not only be used in a proper way but also to be an example.
Here is the story. As many of you have read that one of the situations I am dealing with is losing my relationship of five years. Now this may not seem much to others but to me it seemed like my whole world. I had the family I always desired and the dog that my heart was so connected to. I was trying so hard to play the role of mom and well basically wife that I got lost in the process. i was trying to over achieve and that took me to the depths of hell. I didn’t know what I was doing so I was trying to do what felt natural to me. In the process of filling this appointed role I lost site of not only myself but my family God had so graciously given me. When I finally realized well into the dynamic I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of the depths of darkness.
Now as I write out of the situation I am being reminded of the chaos I allowed my life to become. I had dismissed the order in which I was to be in the household and clung tightly to the new daughter that I was to care for. I made her the center of my world then next came the dog. After the dog is when I had put my significant other’s needs in my perspective. This was so jacked up and honestly it made me feel lonely because I wasn’t bonding with my other half in the way that God would have wanted me to. I found myself putting undue stress on him to the point that he broke. See, I thought I was doing the right thing with sharing my feelings, but there is such a thing as oversharing. When times were tough I would go to him with worry and doubt projecting my feelings on to him. Now please let me say that I am not at all taking full responsibility for the actions or even lack of actions with the one I was promised to. I know he has his own issues and that’s what was hurting me so bad. I was feeling the pressure of the old patterns to try and fix things on my own, not giving them to God but to take matters in my own hands.
After the semi breakup, my flight mode kicked in and I came back to Ohio right away. I came back with the understanding that we were not broken up but rather taking some time apart. Things seemed to be going well, I was realizing so much and we were communicating on a regular basis. It felt as though we were really taking some time apart to work on ourselves.
Here is where a big problem reared its ugly head. I had forgotten, well rather I became obsessed, with my journey to heal that I had forgotten that he himself needed to get his life in order. I just assumed that the major problem was me, after all when he was sending me off he did tell me the main reason was because he couldn’t handle my mental problems anymore. That devastated me and instant leverage came to mind from a man who promised so much to me and in an instant he just turned it off. I never stopped to realize that maybe the “turn off” was his coping mechanism, how he handled problems. It was not only a display of his strong will to make important decisions but also his way to be done finally with something and move on.
Like I said things were good, I was talking about when I would like to come home and he didn’t protest. It came time for the week of my birthday shortly after my brothers death when my anger got the best of me. I had an email come across from his daughters school, the school in which I was helping her as a new venture of one On one with home schooling. Anyways the email I received showed that she was failing her classes and knowing how much pain and confusion she was in I reacted the old way and instantly placed blame. I called her father and left a nasty voicemail that included the words” I don’t know what you are going through but you need to get your act together because you are effecting even your daughter.” Now I ask, how would you feel if you were fighting your own battle, already tattered from a situation that controlled your life for so many years? Yea, as you would, he got very angry. So the next phone call from him was if he was to send me a package of things I wanted what would I like. In my confusion I said ” well isn’t the whole goal for me to come back home?” That’s when the fateful words rang from his mouth, “No, that’s not going to happen.” In one fail swoop he called everything off with me and proceeded to send any and all items that it seemed I had ever touched. I was crushed.
Sometime went by, actually a few days, and we continued to talk like the friends we started out being. There were good times and bad times but with me being the only one to make any apologies. I was so hurt once again in a time that I felt like I had lost everything. I had lost the love of my life, my daughter (his daughter but we were bonded to the point she even called me momma), my dog, my home and now my brother. The loss mounted so hard and to realize that every struggle I was going through was not even met by him with condolences or support since I knew how compassionate his heart was. He had turned cold in my time of need.
We have continued to talk until recently when the messages, the phone calls, had stopped cold turkey. I mean he wasn’t even replying to my texts messages. This was so not like him so I knew he had to be done with me and had not a single feeling left for me. He shut me out without even an explanation. Of course that hurt but I finally was able to reach him and speak to get some answers of his actions. The words I was met with via phone was “nothing is wrong I am just really busy. I haven’t returned many calls or texts because I am busy.” I was actually ok with that answer for a moment then it took me back to his lack of feelings for me and the hurt rose again. Shortly after the phone call I received a text that told me there were many people he had to back away from so he could get his life in order. More rejection! My only thought was here is another person that God is saying to stay away from. I cried so much that my face was sore from the tears . Not just tears for him but tears for so much loss, so much grief and how out of control my life felt.
Finally through prayer and meditation as well as scripture I started to see the whole story the story of him and his journey. It dawned on me to step outside of myself and think as if I were in his shoes. I was quickly reminded of an argument I had overheard from him and another where he stated boldly that he wasn’t proud of himself. Those words rang so clear in my ears that I realized his journey was to redeem himself to himself. This honestly had not much to do with me but rather him stepping up and realizing the same thing I had…If I’m not happy with myself how can anyone be. This was such a consoling feeling that I let down my guards and realized I needed to back away and give him space.
Today my heart is more at peace understanding that I wasn’t rejected but rather being protected for my sake while he works on the sake of others. I am proud of the man of God my ex is becoming. He is finally getting his priorities in order so that he can fulfill his obligations as well as succeed in life. One day maybe he will find room in his heart for me again but for now I will continue my growth.
My heart goes out to anyone going through something simple or extreme, I understand the helplessness. I admire those fighters who take control, even at the expense of wounding others, to get their lives back in order. Everyone deals differently with their set of circumstances and part of my journey is to be patient while the Lord does his work. This is not all about me it is all about life, my life and the life of others.
As always I am here as a resource for those that are feeling lost, lonely and repressed. My heart bleeds for you but you are not alone. I don’t have all the answers,far from it, but I will help lead you to the place where your answers lie.
The one thought I want to leave you with is this, remember when you think you are alone, look to the heavens and realize all this even the stars were created for your comfort. Embrace what is provided and you will receive what is promised.