Yesterday was an extremely hard day and if I am honest I am still a bit groggy today. Yesterday marked the 41st birthday of my brother, Jeremy. The preparations of the day had been long and painful.
As I mentioned before I had been working on a grave blanket, which is a Midwest tradition. I put may hours into the cutting of trees and pain staking effort of weaving each and every branch into chicken wire as to make it secure and proper In form. The blanket to me means so much more than just a decoration to adorn a fresh grave. It was the effort and the time that went into this that allowed for so many memories, so many regrets surface so I could deal with them. I am so not used to dealing with issues. I would typically rally and move on for the sake of my own immediate benefit, but not this time. This time I had to deal with what was laying right in front of me if I was to complete this project with the love I have in my heart.
My family minus my sister gathered at the grave site to pay respects to Jeremy on the day he was born to this world 41 years ago. There was really not agenda other than laying the blanket and launching 41 filled helium balloons to mark celebration in the skies. We were even graced by a beautiful woman that was a friend of my brothers throughout the years. It was an amazing site to behold. It was genuinely a celebrated moment that was viewable from the heavens.
With little words and lots of tears we each had our moment to share words if it fell upon our hearts. With the finality of the words, balloon were launched, some with notes others just helium. That moment was so spectacular. In my eyes it showed the release of the heartache I have been harboring so long. We gazed upon the balloons until they were out of sight. Much like the life of my brother we held the balloons with the anticipation of their entire purpose, the release of a beautifully perfected soul.
The celebration didn’t last long due to the cold climate that surrounded us. For a while the cold didn’t exist, it was the moment we were all joined in together, the moment of remembrance, living and loving, but never forgetting. It was honestly what I needed in the tangible as well as in the metaphorical state. This was my release of pain. See I have been the one who has been here for every up and down, every tear shed out of a feeling of failure, making decisions and comforting the hurt. Just like the launch of the balloons I too was letting go of what was and moving towards the what is to come.
Jeremy lived a life full of love but clouded by the appeal of the darkness. He was in pain and had no idea how to not only discuss his pain but no idea how to live with the pain. Here is the kicker..most of us that have been in the darkness have no idea why we have so much pain but our ticket was to handle it or bury it. He chose to bury it with a numbing concoction that ruins the body.
In my eyes the death of someone who has had a life of drugs is a life that was wasted. Not wasted by the draw of the substance, but the appeal of what this has to offer…nothingness. I too have been in that dark place with no where to run and I have had my own crutches to deal with but I am dealing. My brother was not “just another junky” he was a man with a heart that loved so deep that it hurt. He was a great man when he allowed God to be in control.
Today I am once again asking you to take a look at your life, especially in the holiday season. Do you feel unwanted, full of despair? Well guess what..that is an on going lie to get the strong to submit. The submission choice is yours since the fight is yours. You are not alone in this world or the next. You are a loved and protected child that has been given free will. You get to choose how you exercise that will. Will it be beneficial or will it be harmful to you and the ones around you.
As always I am offering myself as a resource for those who feel lost and alone. I can completely empathize with you, I have been there, but I have found the right way to deal with this ugly world. I am not telling you I am going to convert you to a religion that may be skeptical to you, actually I just want to demonstrate to you how loved you really are.
If you are in need of someone to talk with, please reach out and let me be a resource to get you the assistance you desire. I do not have all the answers but I do know game plans to overcome. I am so serious when I say reach out that I want to offer my email address so we can talk. Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org I want to be part of your support system.
I love each and everyone of you despite your past, present or future. I am put on this earth to make a difference, so lets start with you. Thank you in advance for following this blog of release. You are so special that I will do everything in my power to help you realize that your worth is endless.
Much love and comfort to you all!