I write for me or so I thought. In my head there is this never ending turmoil that circulates and begs to have me take attention. There is a gap in my memories that recovery seems null and void, but I won’t stop! I am on a mission and now I see it more than ever, so I am going to embrace this season of my life and do what is asked of me.
Most of my life I have fought the urge to write. I have had many feelings that everyone else has. I fear failure, I fear condemnation, I fear what they will say. If I let that determine me I would be nowhere doing nothing, but instead I write you.
Life is not easy for anyone. Some of the issues I myself have dealt with were labels being thrown to my name. See I, this imperfect human, have challenges myself. Instead of having these opportunities pent up inside of me, I write them to get them out, so I can heal.
Let’s break it down even further and I want to talk about the labels that have been thrown at my head. As of the last time for diagnosis I was told that I am bipolar, suffer bipolar depression, PTSD, personality disorder(this does not mean I have multiple personalities but rather coping issues) and anxiety. Now these diagnosis are becoming more and more prevalent, but I have learned to use them as fuel. This is my story of fueling up and I hope and pray this encourages you.
The time ticks away but my heartache remains. It is a feeling of total loss of control. The world seem to crumble daily in my head, yet I am here wasting away while the world lies dead. I see the images in my head of what might have been, the beckoning of the purpose I am called to do. Instead of embracing I have always dug an even deeper hole and lay in a pit of waste. I often wondered what is my place, why and I here. I am taking up space with nothing to offer. I have no real talents, nothing to exclaim so I waste away yet another day.
Then one day my world fell apart and I had a decision to make, do I do my part. The answer was clear the moment was true but there are times that I still feel so blue. I started to see that something I was doing made a difference to those in need, an act of kindness was definitely my deed. No records are kept of what I will say, no reminders of memories that need to fade away. Instead I am embracing the light and exiting the dark for today is the day I will leave my mark.
I want you to know that I hurt too. I want you to know that everything I say is so very true. I want you to know that I feel your pain, but remember this is because of what you have to gain. I am looking for peace I am looking for love, if I look around I can see all the above. My eyes were jaded my heart was pierced but now I see the truth and now I am fierce.
Look to the future, don’t dwell on the past. If you get outside of yourself you will see it’s really a blast. You are called for a reason, you are here for a season. Take the control you seek and life wont seem so bleak. The sadness becomes less and the joy, the joy oh how you will be blessed.
See there are others in this world just like me, I know that now. This is why I fight the fight to make God proud. I will tell my stories I will finish my lines, all the while you are falling in line. No effort is needed , actually the opposite. Submit and be chosen for you are composite. I will tell the world that my book is not finished for the Lord is my proof reader and he said it needs edits. I will edit my timeline, I will rewrite my wrongs. I will be a light in the darkness and even in the storms. This is my gift to you I give courage to be yourself without a word. I am a siren sounding for all to hear, I am a child who is losing fear. Don’t be dismayed for you are just as great. Declare your victory and work towards it today.
You are so special even if you can not feel the love, look all around, its coming from above. Dig in your heels and hold on tight, without a doubt this is going to be a bumpy flight. Do not fear, do not plan disaster, instead look up and simply obey the master. Show the world how love and kindness looks and one day you will be free and ready to make your own flight.
Reach out for love, reach out for support. After all there is no option to abort. Look up and look around compassion is laying on the ground. Make your mark and leave a name for yourself. Be the person you need above all else. You will notice the darkness turns to light and your flame will be so bright. Never give up, its not yours to take. The life you live is not a mistake.
If you need a hand to hold, if you need my arms around your neck, reach out to me and I will help bring you back. You are never too far gone, the decision is now. Everything is in place to take the vow. Be the best you can be, that’s all I ask. Show the world and let it embrace you back. My heart is huge my love goes for miles. Without you in this world I would remain in denial.
You are so precious, you are a gift. I look for your name and this is how I get my fix. I will tell the world what it needs to hear, i will share my tragedy so you can be near.
Don’t give up, the story has only just begun!