“I forgive because I want to be free.” Pastor Stephen Furtick
Wow if only I could relay the offenses in my head. If only you could understand that I am not what they say I am, or am I? The reality is I don’t really know what anyone else is saying about me, yet I have chosen to be so easily offended by the preconceived ideas that circle my mind.
I am no different than the next person when it comes to offenses of the mind and the mouth. Taken to heart, my will becomes so broke down that I suddenly realize I am living in a less than a livelihood state. I start to ponder all the things that were said about me in order to construe some kind of defense that honestly is probably never needed. I can just about guarantee that the thoughts of what have been said about me are far more great than any words of destruction that can possibly be spoken. This becomes a loop that plays in my head not even realizing that this is the work of my own insecurities. Once more these insecurities now hold me captive to a standard that I will never be able to meet.
I will admit I am a tender heart. I think this is no surprise to any of my readers as I often talk about my struggles, my tragedies and even my triumphs. My heart has been a source of great grief in my life but not to be covered by the victories to come. Yet I get stuck in the thoughts of what others think of me, how I am portrayed, or even how I am to be in the time yet to come. I wallow in the self pity, like most, and forget that this is actually a test of my strength and my growth.
For a while now I have been making so much progress in my life. Progress of spirit, of self and of my projection of self. I have felt so alive….until I didn’t. Who can relate? I mean who has had a streak of positive to get bombarded by the negative? Now here is the next question, is the negative from self or from others? Think hard about this before you answer, make sure it is not self posing as others. This is for sure my case. I am not a mind reader, nor would I ever want to be, but I am for sure a speculator. The speculations of my own insecurities being foretold by another human or humans. In my mind I honestly believe that someone cares enough to trash me. Now I am not saying others care about me differently or less than others, but the idea that others have nothing better to do than discuss me has always been a major insecurity.
What word qualifies to describe the behavior of my mind? Classic overthinking!!.. is what I do best and I am being shown this is a very prevelant yet subtle way. The creation of my mind is to make offense in the front of all I do and say. This is my crutch, this is my evil that I must overcome, but not alone. I have a huge help if I remember to submit this action each day.
The reality behind this dark place of dwelling is actually another answer to another prayer. The prayer I have been consistent with is that God will bring forth the areas of my life that I need to work on. Obviously the overthinking is something that is not a one time fix but a daily maintenance. I need to keep mantras in my head and prayers on hand when this form of evil fights for the forefront of my inner most thoughts then my actions. I need to realize that I have put myself so high in my own head, but the height is not a line of grandeur but rather of despair. The despair to deflate the works of the Lord and take me to the level of defeat. This is where the defeat will end! This is where the worries of slander and liable go to die. Honestly who has the time to worry about me when I cant even manage to find the time to do it myself.
Here is my challenge to you. Are you constantly wondering what others are saying about you whether in the form of spoken words or just the ideas of their mind? Does social media seem to exasperate these queries? Now I want you to draw your focus towards the worst possible thing that someone may say, the worst possible secret about you that may be released. Now in that moment do you feel the pain, the burden the self loathing seep in? Now take those thoughts and say to yourself,” no weapons formed against me will ever prosper.” That’s it! Now trust that the words you read, thought and now said. Feel the power of self control take over. Feel the infiltration of the power of your words take root in your soul. Reaffirm that these are in fact words you have decided to profess and believe that you are what you say. In short, face the fear, now feel the way it’s power disappears.
Today is a new day for you and a new day for me. For today I believe that I am a child of God and I will prevail to do the greatness of the work prescribed for me. I will take the control over from my insecurities and I will make my mark. You too, have your opportunity to make your mark. Be the person, say the words that you want to hear about yourself…and the offenses will disappear.