More Death…The Saga Continues

Well it has been a little bit since I have written anything; I needed sometime to process more tragic events.

I remember the day like it was yesterday, I had received a text from my bestie, while I was at work. During my breaks I would take a look at our ongoing conversation when I received a text from her saying how high her anxiety was. Instantly I was hyper aware that something was very wrong.

At the first moment I was able, I called her to find out what was going on. She proceeded to play coy and pass it off as something she would talk to me about after work, but that nagging feeling was pitting my stomach and I simply had to know. With very carefully selected words, she proceeded to tell me how my ex fiancé had reached out to her, since he “couldn’t” reach me. The next words were words of sheer heartache. When she went on to tell me more about the conversation that was based around the dog, Thunder, that we shared together.

The first set of messages were instructed to tell me that Thunder was sick. I thought Ok no big deal…what are we working with? With a few more messages that were during time increments that I don’t recall, were to share that my Thunder was being taken to the vet. My heart is racing by this time because I had already been dealing with the shame and humiliation of letting everyone down including my dog. I had promised him that I would always be there for him and I wasn’t. I was displaced in such a fashion that for his protection and well being I thought it best to stay in AZ.

The final messages were the ones that shook my world to its very core. The words were to let me know that Thunder had crossed the rainbow bridge. I lost it….I mean I LOST IT! Everything was now gone. I had been a stripped of everything from my home to my family, then to my brothers death, learning of lies and infidelity and now my dog was dead.

Ill be honest I don’t remember much after that. I did get to talk to my ex briefly to hear further details. My world was non existent at that time…I needed to grieve EVERYTHING.

So now you are up to par with the kicks that keep coming but now I want to explain how I began a rebirth when all around me was dead. You see during this time which would usually be the darkest moments of my life, where I would retreat to the land of nothingness, this time was different. I was very aware that this was another test of my faith, my perseverance, my loyalty and the commitments in my life that were presented for due diligence. This time I went straight to God and took up his words. I began to dive into anything that could possibly step me through this season of my life and help me to recognize the opportunities that come out of great sorrow. This time the light that was emanating from my being was one so bright that peace rang triumphant as a declaration of victory.

The lifeblood began to flow through my being and all things were being made new, I could feel it in my bones. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was going to get through this, that I could cope. I had been training for this moment, the moment of collapse, and now was the time to send in for reinforcements. So with that I submitted my worry, my troubles, my sheer exhaustion and decided to just be held.

Now almost a week has passed since these blows to my frontal lobe were taken but I have found a joy, a sustaining joy that is pushing me forwards. I am happy to announce that I am all registered and ready to go at Regent University to begin my undergraduate degree in Psychology. My plan is to continue along my Master’s Degree-track and go into counseling. This is what I was truly called to do…to help others through my experiences.

So now do you see how the loss actually became a huge gain? I gained the ability to discern right from wrong, I was able to cope with erratic and grief stricken emotion, I was able to push towards my goals and most important, I released the worry and stayed vigilant on my quest for wisdom. Without a doubt I know I am passing this test because my teacher is award winning.

In your darkest hours how do you deal with getting yourself back up and moving? I want to encourage everyone reading to dig deep in times of turmoil. Remember that you can only be strong if you were once weak. Finally always always always remember that you are enough.

As always I make myself a resource to all of my readers as well as anyone that just needs some direction. I don’t have all the answers but I want my foes to be stepping stones for the next generation. I will help you, you are never alone.

Thank you guys for being so loving and kind during this time in my life. You don’t realize how much it is helping my cause to just spread my words to the world.

The Offense Trap

“I forgive because I want to be free.” Pastor Stephen Furtick

Wow if only I could relay the offenses in my head. If only you could understand that I am not what they say I am, or am I? The reality is I don’t really know what anyone else is saying about me, yet I have chosen to be so easily offended by the preconceived ideas that circle my mind.

I am no different than the next person when it comes to offenses of the mind and the mouth. Taken to heart, my will becomes so broke down that I suddenly realize I am living in a less than a livelihood state. I start to ponder all the things that were said about me in order to construe some kind of defense that honestly is probably never needed. I can just about guarantee that the thoughts of what have been said about me are far more great than any words of destruction that can possibly be spoken. This becomes a loop that plays in my head not even realizing that this is the work of my own insecurities. Once more these insecurities now hold me captive to a standard that I will never be able to meet.

I will admit I am a tender heart. I think this is no surprise to any of my readers as I often talk about my struggles, my tragedies and even my triumphs. My heart has been a source of great grief in my life but not to be covered by the victories to come. Yet I get stuck in the thoughts of what others think of me, how I am portrayed, or even how I am to be in the time yet to come. I wallow in the self pity, like most, and forget that this is actually a test of my strength and my growth.

For a while now I have been making so much progress in my life. Progress of spirit, of self and of my projection of self. I have felt so alive….until I didn’t. Who can relate? I mean who has had a streak of positive to get bombarded by the negative? Now here is the next question, is the negative from self or from others? Think hard about this before you answer, make sure it is not self posing as others. This is for sure my case. I am not a mind reader, nor would I ever want to be, but I am for sure a speculator. The speculations of my own insecurities being foretold by another human or humans. In my mind I honestly believe that someone cares enough to trash me. Now I am not saying others care about me differently or less than others, but the idea that others have nothing better to do than discuss me has always been a major insecurity.

What word qualifies to describe the behavior of my mind? Classic overthinking!!.. is what I do best and I am being shown this is a very prevelant yet subtle way. The creation of my mind is to make offense in the front of all I do and say. This is my crutch, this is my evil that I must overcome, but not alone. I have a huge help if I remember to submit this action each day.

The reality behind this dark place of dwelling is actually another answer to another prayer. The prayer I have been consistent with is that God will bring forth the areas of my life that I need to work on. Obviously the overthinking is something that is not a one time fix but a daily maintenance. I need to keep mantras in my head and prayers on hand when this form of evil fights for the forefront of my inner most thoughts then my actions. I need to realize that I have put myself so high in my own head, but the height is not a line of grandeur but rather of despair. The despair to deflate the works of the Lord and take me to the level of defeat. This is where the defeat will end! This is where the worries of slander and liable go to die. Honestly who has the time to worry about me when I cant even manage to find the time to do it myself.

Here is my challenge to you. Are you constantly wondering what others are saying about you whether in the form of spoken words or just the ideas of their mind? Does social media seem to exasperate these queries? Now I want you to draw your focus towards the worst possible thing that someone may say, the worst possible secret about you that may be released. Now in that moment do you feel the pain, the burden the self loathing seep in? Now take those thoughts and say to yourself,” no weapons formed against me will ever prosper.” That’s it! Now trust that the words you read, thought and now said. Feel the power of self control take over. Feel the infiltration of the power of your words take root in your soul. Reaffirm that these are in fact words you have decided to profess and believe that you are what you say. In short, face the fear, now feel the way it’s power disappears.

Today is a new day for you and a new day for me. For today I believe that I am a child of God and I will prevail to do the greatness of the work prescribed for me. I will take the control over from my insecurities and I will make my mark. You too, have your opportunity to make your mark. Be the person, say the words that you want to hear about yourself…and the offenses will disappear.

Burn the Ships Because God Only Knows

” For the lonely, for the ashamed, for the misunderstood and the ones to blame; we can start over, we can start over.” For King and Country

These are the words that have been going through my mind for sometime now and I finally understand why. Why? Because I am the lonely, I am the ashamed, I am the misunderstood and have always felt like the one to blame, but my song ended there I wasn’t hearing the rest. I have been so stuck on those words that the song, like me, wasn’t finished. I needed to breathe the fact that I could start over, even at age 39.

What an epiphany this song has been for my life. The song that I am singing in my head is by the group For King and Country and the song is titled “God Only Knows.” This Message has been laying there, untouched in my mind, ignited by the Holy Spirit. This was my tangible evidence that it is ok to leave the past and move forward. Finally the song was making sense, this was my message, my anthem. Now is the time to start over but first I had to burn the ships of my past, find release from bondage and that’s exactly what I am doing.

About 10 years ago I started feeling a call on my life, a pull in the direction of my purpose. I had spent a lifetime of being the person that has all the encouragement for the world but none for myself. I have consulted and been the consultant for many greats in the business world. I was “Advice lady.” It made me feel so complete each and every time someone would come to me to seek guidance on an issue. See I never felt like I had all the answers but I did feel like I was wired with a capability to assist others in finding the answers they seek from within. I counted my blessings each and every time someone called or texted and at times requested a meeting with me to help uncover their hidden truths. The part that always stopped me up was when their problem were resolved, I felt as though there was no longer a purpose for me. I began to dwell within the confines of self pity, not even seeing the glory that I was helping to bring to the kingdom because I had taken myself out of the equation.

In a swift instance I was facing collateral beauty dead in the eyes and wasn’t ready to appreciate the splendor that accompanied it. I was displaced, torn to shreds, but this was the beginning of a whole new era. This was a time to dig deep and find my self worth and pursue what was called of me…to help others in a capacity that could change the world.

As my studies of encouragement and promises were deepened I was finding resolve in not only myself but in the situations of my life. I was finding that there is a reason for me, that I had not simply slipped through the cracks. But with this new found wisdom the calling on my life was becoming more and more specific. There was a smell in the air that was leading me to the bread of the body of Christ and the blood of his suffering was now running alive and well in my veins. The spirit, the one I thought had abandoned me in my hardest time of life, was actually perpetuating into the core of my life. I was getting guidance and now was the time to act upon the commands of my master.

With this lifeblood I was finally forgiving myself for all the hurt, all the shame, all the incompleteness that I as a human lost in my follow through. I am a new being that was being shown how I can help others on a level that would satisfy the craving driving through my body. After 10 long years I am finally listening and I am starting over. ….I am going back to school!

See all the lessons, the trials, the tribulations; all the counseling, all the counsel being sought was gearing me up to return this love and forgivenesses on a massive level. I have known that I am supposed to go into Christian Counseling for these whole 10 years but I was letting fear of failure and circumstances surrounding finances at this stage of life to take away what the Lord has had in store for me. The spirit has been chanting the mantra, “Do the work” and so the work will begin.

As of this morning I have completed my federal aid funding application to become enrolled at a prestigious University starting Spring semester where I will begin the new adventure of achieving my bachelors degree in Psychology specializing in Christian Counseling. This is not going to be easy, this is going to seem to take forever but I finally understand my place in this world. I, Shari Weaver, am a child of God that will listen to the command to do my part to help others ensure their eternity.

You all know my struggles so this is something that I am going to require your support to succeed. I need you to show the love and encouragement that is inside you to show this woman that it is never to late to start living your purpose. Thank you all in advance for all of the communication and encouragement encompassing the past, the present and the future. This is my fuel! In return I promise to give my all and let God continue to guide my path.

A new journey is starting…will you join me!?

Sisterhood of The Traveling Clothes-Christmas Edition

Clothes have never really been a forte of mine. If I had them great, but there was no emotional attachment of any kind. Actually, for me, clothes have often been used in touching other people lives. Yes, I am one of those scrollers or trollers but only for the good. I like to look around different media platforms and look for people in need. Yes, I know that is a good way to be taken advantage, but its also a great way to touch people’s lives. The reality is if someone goes to extents that may be malicious to get clothes then it is very apparent they either need them or what the clothes can yield. Either way I would still feel very called to help when the call fell upon me.

Don’t get me wrong I love style but this feeling that I get when I help others, often through clothes, supersedes any drive to fit a conformity. It has just been the situation we most fall into, when we finally need somethings for ourselves the finances just didn’t meet our plans. Its always a rough blow at first but we always get past it, making due with what we have.

When I packed hurriedly to leave AZ to head back to Ohio, I noticed that all the clothes I owned fit into a single suitcase. Oh that was so sad. It was a reminder of everything I had lost and how unprepared I felt. I mean even my basics for surviving this bitter Ohio winter were no longer in existent. I needed clothes and needed them in a bad way.

Everyday since I have been here I have learned so much by relying on God for my journey. Each night I would say a prayer for provisions and every night I go to bed trusting that I will be provided for. Another thing I have learned is timing is everything. Knowing that this plan is already paved for me gives me a bit more perspective on what is a necessity and what is not. Guess what else I learned? Seems as though even my closest friends and family are in need, right in front of my face.

So Christmas came early for me Thursday evening. While having some valuable bestie time, she received a call from her sister that she was on her way to deliver the clothes. See a few days prior we were talking and I said that I didn’t know what I was going to do I’m running out of clothes. Just then It was like a bulb blew in Jule’s head. She popped up and said,”wait…what size do you wear?” I proceeded to give her the “woman rundown”, you know depending on this make or this cut…everything to delay then justify the big reveal. Anyways she went on to tell me how her sister lost weight….kudos Girl!..and had clothes she needed to get rid of. So she made the arrangements to allow me to be the recipient of this treasure trove of clothes.

When the clothes arrived I was so astonished, remembering very quickly to recognize that an answer to a prayer had just been received. In that moment of delivery I was so captivated by the exchange of heart felt goodwill, that I didn’t really have words. Believe it or not I really had no other emotion besides happiness. I was being provided for above and beyond what was needed. Bonus feature is her sisters clothes were exactly my style. Of course I was stoked, wouldn’t you be?

When the clothes were dropped off and I said my thank you, she obliged and said what I do with them from here is up to me. So immediately my brain went into overdrive as to how I can pay this kind of generosity forward. Of course a very gentle and kind person came to mind and I punched up a text right away. Turns out these traveling clothes were so very appreciated at her point in her journey.

So now we look back at multiple situations and see seeds have been planted by the generosity of an appreciative heart. Do you see how a compound harvest is one that meets the needs of everyone not just one. We are charged as the fertilizer for the fields of seed, a requirement fro growth. We are to spread this love and kindness for all to see. I promise you people have a truer appreciation for you in actions versus words.

So as we stand right now the clothes have traveled from Shelby to Mansfield and next on the schedule is Bucyrus. I cant wait to see how many lives are touch by this single planting of a seed.

This, my friend, is called doing the work.

She…Needs to Read This

She needed to know the answer to a question. A question that has been plaguing her mind endlessly. She needed to know what her worth may look like if only she could fathom the concept. She needed to see that the efforts of her breaths were not those that simply once breathed life, but one that continues to give. She was caught up in the comparison, the rules and the guidelines. She needed to know if she had made a mistake, was it ok to correct it with give and take. How is she going to get through this? Where is the recipe like she has so diligently followed, what was the yield and how long to prepare?

On the morning of her new awakening she felt a stir of a new desire. The pull for so much more. the birth of her soul is about to commence. She is breaking the cocoon because her time is soon. She is being set up for the great awakening, Her bones have began to tell her the time is now. You must get up and meet this with a face only another warrior could prize. Are you ready because this is your time?

She looks at the clock and realizes it is still early in the dawn, more time to slumber but the edge becomes too strong. For this mission is not one that will cease regardless of the night of sleep. It is a calling to your purpose and the time is now. It is the time to embrace your gifts, pursue your passion, meet your destiny. The frame is short and you must be aware. if you take this lightly the time will pass without a trace. Do not take for granted all the prayers you have prayed.

She knew she was ready to fly in the wind. The seas were calling to her “you got this my friend.” Decisions were made priorities reset but in the end there was no regret. She beamed a light the world needed to see, she has the worth to comfort the child in me. Her mission is great but she wears many disguises so don’t be fooled when you look her in the eyes.

She will continue to sacrifice she will continue to pay a price, but the reality of eternity is what is in her sites. She’s is on a mission to spread a vision that love does exist and you my friend at the perfect fit.

Passion Ignited

I will admit that inspiration is readily available but often not easily accessible. There comes times where I have to just sit back, trust and go through the motions. The motions bring on so much pain, such fatigue to the bones and heaviness to the heart. However these motions are necessary if growth is going to happen. Like it is said in the world of muscular skeletal mechanics…a body in motion stays in motion, a body at rest stays at rest. There are other times when inspiration strikes so fast that my fingers cant keep up with the keys on my computer. For the times when there is noting to write about I choose to take Benjamin Franklin’s advice that if my life doesn’t produce anything worth writing perhaps I need to try living life. So these past few days have been living, enduring and overcoming.

Recently I was faced with the all too familiar standpoint on how millennials are lazy, simply don’t want to work while the rest of the world takes care of them. Now I will be the first to say I am NOT a millennial but rather someone after truth. There are pros and cons to the stereotype of this generation but that is not what I am here to get into but rather show how learning to work smarter not harder doesn’t produce laziness, quite the contrary. Working in a capacity that optimizes time, talents, passion, expectations, delivery and change to the world…well I’m on board. I want to be among the generation who has chose to live life and be one of the few who will write the world about the adventures they wished they were having. I want to be active but I do not actively want to break my back. I want to see the world and share my stories, I want to be a generation of change.

My parents worked their whole lives to provide for the family God gifted them and without a doubt they did the very best they could with the resources they had and the information they knew. The broke their backs trying to earn a dollar because that is what you did, that is what their parents taught them. I am sure most of my readers have come from a life that their parents did what they could but all these parents also started a motion to change life for the next generation. They realized how helpful their wisdom and what hurdles they wished they would have overcome in hopes that my generation would learn to enjoy life….family, friends, the world!

This enjoyment of life and for life is not a feeling but rather an ignited flame of passion burning through the heart of the world. See they trust us to persevere for the rough times so we would have what it takes to be pioneers of the time to come. They want us to have the internal peace of knowing we are living and demonstrating the greater good for the greater good. Our parents wanted change so they started the ball rolling. I’m so thankful that I come from a lineage that is doing their part for humanity.

One thing I am learning is that passion produces progression. It is a growth from within a sense of trusting that what is meant to happen will and we will be equipped to handle whatever the outcome. It is not a blasé attitude by any means but rather a means of constant surrender. The reminder that what I am doing, the stories that I am telling, is my contribution to the world but folks this is just the beginning. Yes blogging in the beginning may not be a lucrative job but it a far cry from the starving artists if yesteryear.

We are in a technological world and I am a technological girl. See that is what my training and my time in Arizona has taught me that I am capable and I am enough. I was guided though many times unnoticed by the teacher, but learned so much business savvy strategies as well as a knowledge and more importantly a passion for this world of blogging. It is giving me…..are you ready for this? A sense of purpose.

I am constantly reminded through both verbal and informative cues that I am making a difference not a fortune. I had already been down the path with God where I surrendered my outlook, my lack of control,with money. Don’t get me wrong I understands is significance and its character building skills but I don’t let it define me. My work is really the work that I am here to do, to spread the word. Though I may be doing it differently than the days of old, but I am living with an expectation to appreciate change…experience it, not fear it.

I am paving my path; blazing my trail. I am here to serve, but to serve others not myself. I am here to show the world that kind souls do still exist but those souls do not come without scars. I am here to be part of a movement that shows others what peace can be like but not to be their peacemaker. I am here to lend a hand to my fellows not my followers. I will keep working at my craft , my gift and write a masterpiece on the mystery unraveled. I’m here to help take the Hicc out of your ups. It may not be your cup of tea but it is mine, it makes me feel alive to see first hand what the fruits of my labor look like in my lifetime.

The great people of history are that history, we studied, we learned, we gained the knowledge and wisdom of that time so that we would be equipped to handle the time we are in now. I say with the utmost respect that I will continue to pursue the gifts God has given me to aid in the service of his words. I am met confidentially with the spirit when I say that my story, it has only just begun.

I hope you were able to find a little peace from these and other blog entries that come from my heart. I put a lot of time and thought into my inner look so I can help affect your outlook. I am grateful to all my readers for your kind words of encouragement, and experiences that I have got to be a part of. Cheers to you and to an exciting adventure to come.

Please Read

I write for me or so I thought. In my head there is this never ending turmoil that circulates and begs to have me take attention. There is a gap in my memories that recovery seems null and void, but I won’t stop! I am on a mission and now I see it more than ever, so I am going to embrace this season of my life and do what is asked of me.

Most of my life I have fought the urge to write. I have had many feelings that everyone else has. I fear failure, I fear condemnation, I fear what they will say. If I let that determine me I would be nowhere doing nothing, but instead I write you.

Life is not easy for anyone. Some of the issues I myself have dealt with were labels being thrown to my name. See I, this imperfect human, have challenges myself. Instead of having these opportunities pent up inside of me, I write them to get them out, so I can heal.

Let’s break it down even further and I want to talk about the labels that have been thrown at my head. As of the last time for diagnosis I was told that I am bipolar, suffer bipolar depression, PTSD, personality disorder(this does not mean I have multiple personalities but rather coping issues) and anxiety. Now these diagnosis are becoming more and more prevalent, but I have learned to use them as fuel. This is my story of fueling up and I hope and pray this encourages you.

The time ticks away but my heartache remains. It is a feeling of total loss of control. The world seem to crumble daily in my head, yet I am here wasting away while the world lies dead. I see the images in my head of what might have been, the beckoning of the purpose I am called to do. Instead of embracing I have always dug an even deeper hole and lay in a pit of waste. I often wondered what is my place, why and I here. I am taking up space with nothing to offer. I have no real talents, nothing to exclaim so I waste away yet another day.

Then one day my world fell apart and I had a decision to make, do I do my part. The answer was clear the moment was true but there are times that I still feel so blue. I started to see that something I was doing made a difference to those in need, an act of kindness was definitely my deed. No records are kept of what I will say, no reminders of memories that need to fade away. Instead I am embracing the light and exiting the dark for today is the day I will leave my mark.

I want you to know that I hurt too. I want you to know that everything I say is so very true. I want you to know that I feel your pain, but remember this is because of what you have to gain. I am looking for peace I am looking for love, if I look around I can see all the above. My eyes were jaded my heart was pierced but now I see the truth and now I am fierce.

Look to the future, don’t dwell on the past. If you get outside of yourself you will see it’s really a blast. You are called for a reason, you are here for a season. Take the control you seek and life wont seem so bleak. The sadness becomes less and the joy, the joy oh how you will be blessed.

See there are others in this world just like me, I know that now. This is why I fight the fight to make God proud. I will tell my stories I will finish my lines, all the while you are falling in line. No effort is needed , actually the opposite. Submit and be chosen for you are composite. I will tell the world that my book is not finished for the Lord is my proof reader and he said it needs edits. I will edit my timeline, I will rewrite my wrongs. I will be a light in the darkness and even in the storms. This is my gift to you I give courage to be yourself without a word. I am a siren sounding for all to hear, I am a child who is losing fear. Don’t be dismayed for you are just as great. Declare your victory and work towards it today.

You are so special even if you can not feel the love, look all around, its coming from above. Dig in your heels and hold on tight, without a doubt this is going to be a bumpy flight. Do not fear, do not plan disaster, instead look up and simply obey the master. Show the world how love and kindness looks and one day you will be free and ready to make your own flight.

Reach out for love, reach out for support. After all there is no option to abort. Look up and look around compassion is laying on the ground. Make your mark and leave a name for yourself. Be the person you need above all else. You will notice the darkness turns to light and your flame will be so bright. Never give up, its not yours to take. The life you live is not a mistake.

If you need a hand to hold, if you need my arms around your neck, reach out to me and I will help bring you back. You are never too far gone, the decision is now. Everything is in place to take the vow. Be the best you can be, that’s all I ask. Show the world and let it embrace you back. My heart is huge my love goes for miles. Without you in this world I would remain in denial.

You are so precious, you are a gift. I look for your name and this is how I get my fix. I will tell the world what it needs to hear, i will share my tragedy so you can be near.

Don’t give up, the story has only just begun!