Well it has been a little bit since I have written anything; I needed sometime to process more tragic events.
I remember the day like it was yesterday, I had received a text from my bestie, while I was at work. During my breaks I would take a look at our ongoing conversation when I received a text from her saying how high her anxiety was. Instantly I was hyper aware that something was very wrong.
At the first moment I was able, I called her to find out what was going on. She proceeded to play coy and pass it off as something she would talk to me about after work, but that nagging feeling was pitting my stomach and I simply had to know. With very carefully selected words, she proceeded to tell me how my ex fiancé had reached out to her, since he “couldn’t” reach me. The next words were words of sheer heartache. When she went on to tell me more about the conversation that was based around the dog, Thunder, that we shared together.
The first set of messages were instructed to tell me that Thunder was sick. I thought Ok no big deal…what are we working with? With a few more messages that were during time increments that I don’t recall, were to share that my Thunder was being taken to the vet. My heart is racing by this time because I had already been dealing with the shame and humiliation of letting everyone down including my dog. I had promised him that I would always be there for him and I wasn’t. I was displaced in such a fashion that for his protection and well being I thought it best to stay in AZ.
The final messages were the ones that shook my world to its very core. The words were to let me know that Thunder had crossed the rainbow bridge. I lost it….I mean I LOST IT! Everything was now gone. I had been a stripped of everything from my home to my family, then to my brothers death, learning of lies and infidelity and now my dog was dead.
Ill be honest I don’t remember much after that. I did get to talk to my ex briefly to hear further details. My world was non existent at that time…I needed to grieve EVERYTHING.
So now you are up to par with the kicks that keep coming but now I want to explain how I began a rebirth when all around me was dead. You see during this time which would usually be the darkest moments of my life, where I would retreat to the land of nothingness, this time was different. I was very aware that this was another test of my faith, my perseverance, my loyalty and the commitments in my life that were presented for due diligence. This time I went straight to God and took up his words. I began to dive into anything that could possibly step me through this season of my life and help me to recognize the opportunities that come out of great sorrow. This time the light that was emanating from my being was one so bright that peace rang triumphant as a declaration of victory.
The lifeblood began to flow through my being and all things were being made new, I could feel it in my bones. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was going to get through this, that I could cope. I had been training for this moment, the moment of collapse, and now was the time to send in for reinforcements. So with that I submitted my worry, my troubles, my sheer exhaustion and decided to just be held.
Now almost a week has passed since these blows to my frontal lobe were taken but I have found a joy, a sustaining joy that is pushing me forwards. I am happy to announce that I am all registered and ready to go at Regent University to begin my undergraduate degree in Psychology. My plan is to continue along my Master’s Degree-track and go into counseling. This is what I was truly called to do…to help others through my experiences.
So now do you see how the loss actually became a huge gain? I gained the ability to discern right from wrong, I was able to cope with erratic and grief stricken emotion, I was able to push towards my goals and most important, I released the worry and stayed vigilant on my quest for wisdom. Without a doubt I know I am passing this test because my teacher is award winning.
In your darkest hours how do you deal with getting yourself back up and moving? I want to encourage everyone reading to dig deep in times of turmoil. Remember that you can only be strong if you were once weak. Finally always always always remember that you are enough.
As always I make myself a resource to all of my readers as well as anyone that just needs some direction. I don’t have all the answers but I want my foes to be stepping stones for the next generation. I will help you, you are never alone.
Thank you guys for being so loving and kind during this time in my life. You don’t realize how much it is helping my cause to just spread my words to the world.